Friends come and leave...

I've heard many people saying they will never give up on their friends for the one they're  in a relationship with. They say friends were there before, that friends stay with them but their lover might leave anytime.

I totally disagree. Firstly, I think friends are not as important as the one you love. I would give up on all of my friends for the right one. Why? Because friends are just friends, I'll spend with them not more then a few hours daily.  If I move to another city, will they come with me? No, they won't. But a boyfriend might, a husband definately will. So, based on this, tell me, who's the most important? You  will spend with your lover  most of the day, he's the one you go to bed with, he's the one you'll call family, he will be the father of your kids. So again, tell, can you dare telling me friends are more important then him?'s wrong to think that friends are forever. No matter how strong is your friendship with someone, there are more chances for your friendship to end, then for you relationship to end.  I'm sorry, It will sound very mean what I'm about to say, but it's my honest opinion and I'm really sorry if I hurt anyone's feeling. I think that friends are just two similar people, or just 2 people in need, that find support in each other. And one thing that I've noticed is that once you change yourself, you change your friends, because you have nothing in common with them anymore. A huge space appears between you and them, there's a silence you can't fill anymore. You have to move on over them. Yes you're grateful for the things they did for you, for all the lovely memories, but that's all. When it has to end, there's no point of keep trying to mentain something like this.

Am I wrong?
I'm saying this thinking about a recent event.
Just a few days ago I was visiting my grandparents, in the village where I've spent most of my childhood.
In the evening I went out with my 14 years old cousin. We sat on a bench, in a kid's park.
After a while many other kids, teenagers came there. Among  them, there were 2 of my childhood's best friends. Two boys. Don't be surprised that my best friends were boys, I've said before, I was always something like....rather a tomboy. Since...ever, I guess, at least since I remember, something around 6 years. Since that age I prefered boy's company.

So, these two guys I'm talking about, R. and S. were my best friends. We used to play together in the morning, in the kindergarten. And then in the afternoon we usually played home , at them. It's funny, because they had a sister, and a cousin(girl), but I never played with them, I enjoyed more staying and playing with boys.

My familiy used to  tease me about playing with them, not only back in those days, but for many years after I grew up. They always said we were more then just friends(me and those 2 boys). They always asked questions with irony, like :" Whare are you two(three) doing there in the backyard?".

Anyway...I won't give more details. It's not important. The only thing I was trying to prove is that they used to be my best friends. They were important for me. I've got plenty of nice memories with them.
Over the years distance came between us. I started school, went back to the city and stopped talking to them. Was it my fault,  I did it because I was now a city girl and they were just country boys? I don't think so, I hope not. Maybe that's how they saw me, as someone to goog for them. The only think that remained between us was a shy "Hy" .  Such a shame, when you think we were best friends.
So...this time I've started to talk with them, after 14 years of mostly silence, and a few "hy".
I asked them a lot of querstion like "why do we never talk, only greet each other" , " do you remember how we used to play, when I was at your place.."

What do you think?
On the first question they said that they didn't dare talking to me. That's all, no matter how much I insisted, they refused to give me  more details. They were so shy around me. I'm aware of the many differences between me and them, but even if I were a princess and them them the servants, that shouldn't stop them...I mean, jeeeez, we used to be best friends guys, what the hell happened ?

The sad thing is what they answered on the other question. They didn't even remember we went to the same kindergarten. They forgot about our friendship. They had no memories about the wonderful days we spent together. I was not a part of their past.

That's why I say friends are not forever. How can someone forget memories wich are so clear for me? How can they totally forget me being their friend?

Because time passes,  people change, past becomes more and more clouded....many things are forgot no matter how great they were...

That's why I don't value friends more then lovers.

In time friends become strangers with familiar faces.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Asteptari. TU vs. EI

Un articol scris cu gandul la cei care m-au impovarat cu asteptarile lor, dar si(mai rar) la cei carora ar trebui sa le multumesc ca au avut asteptari atat de mari de la mine(ajutandu-ma sa evoluez):

Aşteptări. Tu vs. Ei.
 Toţi avem aşteptări. Pentru munca bine făcută aşteptăm ca şeful să ne promoveze sau să ne mărească salariul. Dacă ajutăm pe cineva avem pretenţia ca şi noi să fim ajutaţi când avem nevoie. Dacă îi facem pe plac iubitului mereu, ne aşteptăm ca acesta să ne răspundă în acelaşi fel. Dacă suntem buni şi generoşi aşteptăm ca Dumnezeu să ne bage norocul în traistă. 
Restul articolului il poti citi aici:

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

What's your religion?

"Let this be the criterion always: Anything that makes you festive, anything that gives you celebration, anything that makes you dance and sing to such an extent that you disappear in your dancing, in your singing, in your celebration... is the only true religion I know of." Osho
Reading this I thought about myself and asked: "What makes me sing, dance, feel like I'm one with the song, the dance...with the feeling?" 
The answer was: LOVE.
So I guess love is my religion, the only religion I know.
But it's not something new for me, I always knew it. If I remember well, actually it was yesterday that I wrote something like this, that the only practice/religion I fallow is the one of LOVE.
What does it mean the religion of Love?
I have no idea what does it really mean, for others. For me it means something like "do everything with love, love everyone but also yourself, love the good and the bad, the beauty and the ugly, the smart and the truth."
Something like that. It's hard to explain, because it's not something you see, it's more like a feeling, an attitude, a way of living your life."
From love you can create everything.
Love is the religion that will never ask you for money, demands you, judge you, punish you.It's a religion of tolerance.
Love is a religion for everyone.
Love makes me dance, so love is the only religion I know and follow.
What's your religion?

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Let go...

What you can't have, leave it and you will.
You belive in this?I do. Of course, you will get it only if it is the right thing for you.
Does it ever happened to you, no matter how many times you tried, how hard you've worked to get something, you still failed?
Stop doing anything! Let go! Take a break! Pretend you give up!
Of course I'm not telling you to really let it go. Just to pretend. You'll find one day the answer, why I'm telling you this.
There's a really great book where you can see ilustrated the concept I'm talking about. It's actually the book wich made me rethink my way of action, my entire life, it made me ask myself many questions. The book it's called Siddhartha, and it's wrote by Hermann Hesse.
What is it about you probably wonder, right?
Well...let's say it's about a man who's searching for his path, trying to find his destiny. He tries this through different methods, religion, with different masters. Only in the end after trying everything he realised that no matter what path you follow, you're still gonna end up in the same place. There's only one destination and thousands of ways to get there. Some are short, some longer, easy or hard, common or unwalked but it doesn't matter, you will still get there. No matter what you do or how you do it, you can't be something else then what you're meant to be.
I hope you get my point. That's what I was trying to say in the first place.

I belived in many things, always knew what I wanna be, and I tried different ways to get there just like the man in the book. I looked like a weirdo always changing my mind. I tried different kinds of things, belived in them and practiced. But no kundalini, hatha , oshawa, sufi, shamanic, raw, wicca, chakra  and so one practice showed me the way. I still haven't found what I was looking for, still wasn't what I tried to be, what I knew I can be.

But one day I was bored, actually sick of every single practice so I let them go..I stop trying to be something, I rather tried to empy my mind from all these "craps" . I was/become just me.

Ok, if you can't accept the idea that doing nothing I've got so much in the end, then...let's say it's because of the..more like an ascetic life I've lived for a few months. Isolated.

I was kind of dissapointed, I though  I failed, distroyed everything I had....but then....when I got back to "society"... I saw the effect of the "letting go" I did. All the things I didn't get when I was trying so hard, I got them after leting go. Now I'm on the right path again. And without any practice. Or maybe...I do practice something. What is it you wanna ask, right? Well, I'm not sure it does matter. It's not a practice/method I've learned, It's one that I discovered by myself. I call it sometimes the method of "love ".
You should do the same thing, find your own path, your own method.
But until then...let go...let go of all the things you've learned, the paths you've followed.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying they're useless. They are good, the help you in many ways, but they won't get you to the final destination.
Also don't ignore them. First you gotta learn them all, try them, belive them...but then, it comes a day when you gotta let go, move on. Take a break, be nothing but who you are. And'll see you will find you're where you should be,
'Till then....let go!

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

What would you do for happiness

I wonder....what price are you willing to pay for happiness. What if it's gonna last only one day or a few days, would you pay the same price? What sacrifices are you willing to do to get it, what would you give up on for happiness?

I always said it's not worth it, for a few moments of happiness, to turn you world upside down.
But I changed my mind.

 Everybody gets happy once in a while. But you never know for how long will it last. You always live being afraid the next day could be the last day of your happiness. You ask yourself many questions. You wonder how will you be able to handle with the loss of it. You start doubting it was a good choice, maybe you start to regret all the things you've lost because of those happy moments.
Maybe you get to a point where you say you wish you could go back, make a different choice, give up on that short lasting happiness, but instead achieve all the other things you gave up on the first time.

Is that what you think?That happiness is not worth the price if it's temporary.
First, let me tell you that no happiness lasts forever, so forget about this idea.

Then...what makes you think that happiness is worthless when it's not long lasting, that it's value has anything to do with the period of time that it lasts?
If you somehow set your mind on this kind of ideas, you'd better give up on them.
Even a few hours of happiness have more value then anything else.

We make a really huge mistake. I used to do it too until now. We think happiness is just happiness, when it's gone, all we're left with is pain.
But no, you see...moments of happiness changes us in unknown ways. Shapes our destiny. Just a few hours, days of happiness makes us more confident, raise our self-esteem, change the way we think, act. Those happy moments makes us rethink our life principles, our goals.

Me for example, I used to be the type for whom career, independence were priorities .But no more, I see now that life without love is nothing, it's just a shadow of what it could be. So love got on the first place.

Moments of happiness helps you know yourself better, discover what you really want or need, what's fit for you, what really make you feel happy.
Happiness makes you more brave, makes you dare walking on new paths, unknown ones.
Happiness changes you, makes you better, makes you evolve in all ways.
Yes you do suffer if you loose it, you do fell apart but then you move on, you move on a changed person.
I do it too, sufer, find it hard to move on,

I wish this happiness I felt 4 days would last forever. But it's not all up to me. It's up to him as well. It's up to..what it's meant to be. But even if it won't, even if I'll suffer, fell hurt like hell....sooner or later I will move on and I will be grateful for what it was as long as it was. Because feeling happy 4 days, 24/'s a big deal. And nothing else matters, what I've lost, what I worths the price.  It was that kind of happiness I have no words proper to describe it. It wasn't anything special that I did, or he did/said. It was more a happiness triggered by something internal, unseen. Like...when you feel like home, fullfill your destiny, meet your soulmate. A feeling like I'm complete for the first time. Like...he filled all the empty spaces from my heart. I felt like ...I was an incomplete puzzle  and he the missing piece that I've lost and now found.

It's not that hard to be happy if you're able to see what's right for you. It's not difficult to make someone happy if you know what he wants, likes and if you care about him enough to make his wish come true.
I give you happiness, you want it? It's for free. But will you price it ? Will you keep it?

So fight for happy moments, pay the price, take risks, bet everything on it, be brave and embrace your other half. Be happy, you deserve it!

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

They talk talk talk, but they have no idea

Jeez, I hate these people. It's like they never looked into a mirror, they can't see themselves, their life. They act like they have plenty of free time and nothing to do with it, but to be interested in my life. They act  like it's their job to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. They just don't realise how annoying they are and they wonder "why do I have no friends?".
They all treat me like I'd need their advices, like I'm not aware of the difference between right and wrong. As if...if I do one thing or another it will affect them. As if they're the ones feeding me and giving me a bed to sleep in...
They criticise me for my choices and behaviour.As long as I'm happy I don't think I did something wrong. They judge me for my fact but they never ask me why I did them. They say I am imature, iresponsable, irational but they don't know me at all  to have that right.
So what if I don't care about those so called important things? I know wich one my future stands in. And it's all about the things I do naturally,with passion I'm not willing to invest time and effort in something I don't like, something I belive it's useless. ..
Do you think anyone knows me better then I do? Knows what I can, what I like, what I need...
So if I'm the one who knows me better, then, I'm also the one who knows what's best for me.
So shut the fuck up and mind your own bussiness!

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

De ce oamenii inteligenti iau decizii proaste?

Cum poate cineva inteligent să vorbească asemenea prostii, să facă asemenea greşeli, să ia decizii proaste, să facă lucruri iraţionale? Nu ţi-ai pus niciodată această întrebare? Eu da, şi probabil că şi tu, ori în legătură cu alţii, ori strict în ceea ce te priveşte. Şi totuşi, care să fie răspunsul?
Există un set de abilităţi cognitive pe care le numim inteligenţă. Dar asta nu are nici o legătură cu comportamentul inteligent din lumea reală. Doar inteligenţa în sine nu îţi poate garanta un comportament raţional, iar lipsa acestuia va da naştere unor greşeli. De aceea oamenii inteligenţi pot face asemena lucruri stupide, pentru că inteligenţa şi raţiunea sunt două lucruri distincte.
Restul articolului scris de mine il puteti citi pe Motivonti aici :

Read more: De ce oamenii inteligenţi iau decizii proaste? | Motivonti
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Maya can't be hurt

It was morning, something around six o'clock, and it was very very dark outside. I packed my things in a hurry and left earlier then I actually planned. Instead of taking a bus or something I dared to walk on foot. The train station wasn't so far but....but the area I had to cross was a really creepy one. There was almost no one out except me. It's that kind of a dangerous area, where you can scream if something happens to you, but no one will hear you, where waiting for help is hopeless.
I didn't even realise it at first, but I wasn't scared at all. Probably it's just because I'm used with this kind of things.

And know me, while walking, all kinds of strange things cross my mind. I thought abut my name, my nickname to be more clear. It's Satmaya, wich is nothing but a fancy form for Maya. And probably you know it, Maya means illusion. So I made something like an analogy:

I'm Satmaya, wich is the same with Maya, and maya means illusion, so all these being said, I'm something like an illusion. But let's think about it, what illusions mean. An illusion is something unreal, something you think you see but it's not actually there. Something you can't touch. So, again, using the same reasoning you get to the conclusion I'm untouchable.
If I'm untouchable it means I can't be hurt. You agree with me, right? What you can't touch, you also can't hurt.  So I can't be hurt.

You see, trying to hurt an illusion is like fighting with the wind. There's nothing you can do to it.  Trying to hurt me it's the same.

Ok, I agree, you can harm me, but not hurt. You can do a harm to my exterior, my material body, but you can't get inside, hurt the soul. Many have tried, but none succed.

It's quite the contrary, trying to fight with illusions, to hurt them, the only thing you'll get is hurting yourself. It's like a boomerang, you see,what you give is what you get. It always comes back to you in the end.

And because off all these things I wasn't probably scared at all. Knowing I'm so unbreakable makes me fearless. The illusions I surround myself with are like a shield, you just can't get through them.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Facing demons

The day has come to face my demons. You know  wich ones. My fears. Those so well hidden that no one is able to see them. Except me, because they can't trick me anymore. You thought I'm fearless? No, I ain't. Maybe I seem to be, maybe I've got the control over most of them, but not all.

Why now? I don't know, do I really need a   reason for that? It's just because I want so, because I feel ready. for doing it, strong enough not only to hold on, but also to defeat them.

Maybe....there are times when you can run, you can hide, times when it doesn't matter what you lose. But it comes a day when fighting is the only option you have. And that day has come for me.

I don't wanna do this time what I used to, I don't wanna sabotage myself anymore and put  walls between me and my happiness. Do you know what I was afraid of? I was afraid that being more then I already am, achieving more then I already own, will make me superficial, addicted, one of the sheeps following the flock, mean, selfish, a  sinner. But mostly I was afraid of vanity.

But I don't wanna let my demons take decisions in my place, won't let my fears interfere and make me lose or give up on the things I need, want. I definately don't wanna lose what I haave now, what I'm about to get. The things I had in the past were meaningless, so it's better I  didn't stick to them. What I have now it's the first thing I'm willing to fight to get it and to keep it, because I'm aware how much it matters to me, how much I need it.

So, that's the first and main reason why I must take the control and overcome my fears.

The second reason: the people around me. You see,  a few months ago I was angry because people overestimated me. I felt as if they were forcing me to rise to their expectations. But now I see it's a good thing, it's motivational, encouraging. It means nothing but the fact that they trust me, believe in my potential, And that's something  I should be thankful for. Not everyone is surrounded by people like these.So I have to fight to prove them they were right about me, to deserve the trust they put in me.

More then that, lately I've noticed how many people take me as an example, a model worthy enough to follow, so I have the obligation to be stronger, wiser, better in every way. Why? Because when  you're a model  for others, the better you are, the better they will be. So I kind of have the responsability for what others will become.

Many are the reasons why I must conquer my demons.  But not the reasons matter, what matters most is that now it's the right time to do it.  And I'm so willing and so able to do it  right this time, to fight untill I win, until I get the full control over my thoughts, feelings, actions.

How will I do it? I don't really know.
Sometimes you just have to start the journey and the right path reveals to you by itself.
Will you walk with me?

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved, times

Helping you helps me

If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your own path.
That's a real thing. I truly deeply belive it.

Many people say : "What's the point of being a good person. They won't appreciate me. They won't give me anything in retun, not even a thank you".
Many people are good, help somebody, behave nice, only when they can get something in return. Sorry, but  this has nothing to do with being a good person.

I always  liked to help others,(no matter if they deserved it or not). I tried to be good even when they were mean. And I never understood why no one appreciated me, why God never paid me back for the good I've done.

I tried to be bad because I saw bad people are happier, they alway get what they want. But I couldn't be like that. I saw many people from bad turning into good when they realised their attitude was wrong, but also good ones becoming bad because of the pain others caused them. Well....according to this, I should've become a really really bad person. But I'm not. Or at least I try not to be. I never hurt others on purpouse. I never revenge on those who harmed me, not even hold grudge on people.

But if I couldn't be bad not even when I tried to...I guess/hope that naturally I am indeed a good one.

I made of this (being good) something like a goal in my life, a principle of living. So I tried to be as good as I can, and I try doing harmm as less as I can. I gave on on waiting a reward each time I do a good thing. I don't wait for people to appreciate me for the things I do. I mean, I do them unconditional, I would like to be appreciated but if I'm not, that's just the way it is. Maybe I'll keep doing it if it's necessary, maybe I'll stop, but I don't do them anymore thinking about the benefits. Now I do it naturally. Actually , it's funny because I always offer to do thing I don't really wanna do and ask myself why did I said that in the first place? Probably being good has become for me something like an impulse that I can no longer control.

Anyway...what I was trying to say is that: a few years ago I realised something, when you're doing something good, that's not useless. It actually helps you in one way or another. It's just that most of the people don't realise it because they don't pay attention to details, to other things then material ones. And your "reward"  usually comes later.

For example: In highschool, I offered to help one of my colleagues. You will think it's funny and I'm a fool for what I did, but I ...I've read a book in his place and made a short review of it that he only had to learn and then present it to the proffesor. Some laughed when they found out what I did, saying I'm rather naive, stupid for that, but I didn't care. And guess what? A few weeks later I had to do an essay about a writer's work. And guess again? I wrote it inspired by the book I've read for that colleague. I wrote a great essay and it was always thanks to him. Or should I say that help I gave him, helped me wrote something great.

And this is just one of the many times when helping someone was helpful for me.

I'm writing now about this because yesterday I realised something. I realised how much I've changed myself  while I was trying to change someone else. I know that lately I've been different, so changed that everyone around me noticed and  congratulate me for the changes I've made. What I didn't realised until now is that a significant part of this change I owe it  to someone, to the one I was supposed to change.

So... S. , this is something like a thank you message for you. So thak you.
For what?you might ask me. For what you did for me, probably involuntary. But you made me ....maybe    50% more confident, aware of everything I am. You made me less scared. Seeing you I realised we fear so many times for things we have no reason to actually worry about. We fear people see only the apparences and don't have the patience to search for our potential, for inner qualities. But if we were able to do it, that means it's not impossible. Because of you I found out I'm not as superficial as people think/say I am and made me too belive I am..Because of you I am more optimistic, more patient, understanding. Because of you I know I am not alone in this world. You proved me once more that all my wishes come true. You're the proof I needed to belive in many things I wasn't quite sure about.

It's really funny seeing how much I've changed because of you when actually I was supposed  to help you.

I  just hope I'll be able and you'll let me help you at least as much as you helped me. I think I just found a great definition for  what we are, what we're supposed to be...or.....anyway...I will tell you this another time.

I thought about ending this post with something cute ( although for you it may be to "gayish" :P )  :

Let me be the star that twinkle in your darkest nights and you'll be the one who keeps my light so bright.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

You are...

Exception ?Hmmm, I rarely make 'em. Of course, I'm talking about relationships. Well...most of the people call me bitchy because of that. They say I have too many demands. They acuse me of being heartless when it comes about love, because I always ditch guys for insignificant reasons. No matter how much I love them, I can leave them so unexpected and maybe unfairly. People ask mev why am I so mean, say ugly words, behave like this, don't care...and I alweays answer them: " Because I really don't care about any of them. They're all so replaceable. I can always, easily have a better one. If I ditch them it's their fault, because they didn't knew how to behave the right way, how to appreciate what they had. So...breaking up it's their loss, for me it's just freedom.".

That's how I usually am. Yes, I am aware that reading this you might have a bad impression about me now. But what do you want me to do? Cry? I do it all the time for all of them. Pretend my world's gonna end, have the wrong idea that I can't leave without him? Sorry, but I just can't do that, I'm to optimistic to give a damn about the things I've lost. And besides that, I'm not ugly, not dumb, not a bad company so there's really no reason why I should worry about finding someone else. If I ditch them it's not necesarly for that small mistake they've made. If any of them would've been the right one, all those mistakes, all of his flaw would have been invisible for me.

But.,..I hope we all know it already, there are always exceptions. So there's one in this case for me.

Yes, probably you've guessed already, it's you the one I'm talking about.
Please, don't get mad on me for saying this, you know( i hope you know) my intentions, but...if there was another guy instead of you, he would've been already ditched ...long time ago.  With you it's different, I make an exception every day and I don't even feel it as a burden or obligation. Actually I like it. I must be honest and tell you the truth, I do get pissed off by many things you do  or say, but...that's ok. I get over them very easy.
Why am I doing these exceptions with you? know it. I'm not gonna say it's love, I'm not gonna say you're the right one. Maybe it's too soon to say it, maybe it's to private to write about it here. I do it because I get it. All the things that you do and normally makes me angry, sad, hurt me or anythging like that, happen for a reason. I know what reasons lies behind your actions. And I know that you're aware of most of the wrong things you do. Don't feel bad about them, about me saying them. We all have our own problems, mistakes.

What's different about you, what I really appreciate is the fact that you are willing to change them, not for me but for you, nogt because I asked you, but because you want it. That's a great and rare thing. That's actually one of the things wich impressed me. The will you have to change, to be a better man. I'm impressed not only because I think that makes you a wise man, ambitious, strong and so on, but also because we're the same. I always wanted to change but no one was there to help me, willing to support me in this. So I do this exceptions because I can walk in your shoes.

I make these exceptions because I know I won't need to make them forever, I'm sure you'll change because you want it and because I'm here to give you a hand when needed. With other things I'll get used and won't think they're so bad, that's what compromises means, right?. In other ways I'll be the one to change, and what I'll do, I won't see it as an exception.

Maybe there are many other reasons why I make so many exceptions this time. But I don't think my reasons matter, important is that I do it, right?That's what I feel is the right thing to do. That's what I choose to do because I know it worths. Becausee I see inside the box, behind the covers and I know all the potential hidden inside. And I wanna see it released.
That's why God made us, that's why life worths lkiving, to explore our posibilities, to acheieve our full potential.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

I'm sorry

I feel so bad. I  just realised yesterday, I might have hurt someone, one of my dearest friends(even if it's to soon to call him like this).
And what's worst, it't me the one who actually felt hurt. I blamed him. I thought he ain't talking to me anymore because he is mean., because he might have used me is some way and now he needs me no more.

I  feel so bad when despite my best intentions, I hurt someone, involuntary and without realising I did it.

But am I really the one to blame, is it 100 % my fault?
I mean, how was I supposed to know someone has feelings for me as long as he keeps them for him? How should I know he saw  me as more then a friend, he wanted me to be more then  a shoulder to cry on?  Just because he said he missed me a few times, just because he found a way to include me in his busy schedule? Sorry, but even friends, neighbours, coleagues miss me and that doesn't mean they're in love with me. And all the other things  wich were a part of our friendship, they might have left you with the impression  we're  on our way to being more then friends.  I'm not saying  I didn't want that,  but.....I never thought you want it too. I was sure you were just like...a friend in need, and you searched for my company just because I made you forget about your ex.  How was I supposed to know you have feelings and plans with me?

If you're always waiting for the right time, you might loose some things in someone elses favor, someone who doesn't wait for the right  time. That's what I always tell them. Sorry, but that's just me. If you delay confessing you feelings, I'm not gonna waste time, I'll move on. I like honest people, those who are not afraid to say what they feel, what they want from me. Have you ever said you want me to be your girlfriend? Ever said you love me or just care about me? No, you haven't. So, am I to blame  I moved on to someone who dared to tell  me the  truth about his intentions? Is it my fault you seemed imature to me,  not willing to involve in a serious relationship? Is it my fault you seemed selfish  and many times a jerk?

So...I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings, but it's your fault you never said you have them.
And...don't you think it's mean and selfish to give up on our friendship just because of that?
I can't erase the present, can't go back to the day you had your chance for more. I hope it's not selfish to say I'm happy and pleased where I stand now. Don't know about the future,but for now I already got what I need and I'm not gonna trade it for somnething else.

If  you wanna  keep  being my friend that's fine, it would mean a lot, mean that you were a real friend, not just one taking  advantage of my kindness. If not....leave, you're free to do it, I'm not gonna beg you to be my friend because I'm not the  type to keep people  in my life by force.
All I can do/say is saying an honest "I'm sorry" because I never wanted to hurt you. I don't play with feelings like so many think about me. It's just that...we're man and woman, we "speak" different 'languages" so it's a common thing to get the wrong idea.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Stop fighting...

Please.....stop fighting with me. It breaks my heart. Every time you do it, I feel it like you stick a knife deep in my chest. Just a fight and I already feel like you broke something in me. Fights kill love, so please stop if you don't wanna make me hate you.

People are so wrong about this: they always think that fighting is a good thing in a relationship.They say it's a must because this way you release your anger, you speak up your complaines. That's so not true...You get nothing by fighting. It's quite the opposite, with every fight you lose something, you lose feelings, you put distance between you and your lover. And the more fights you have, the bigger is the space between you until you're so far one from the other, that you are no longer together.That's the reason I hate fights, because they're nothing but steps leading to a breakup.

I see that even some psychologists recommend it. I can't belive it. I mean, what's the point? Why scream at each other and get angry, when you can talk calmly? Do you really think that the louder you scream the better the other will get your point? When both scream, none hears anything.
And what the hell is with releasing anger through fights? For me this is nothing but a bad joke, it seems such a dumb thing.... Aren't there any better ways of getting rid of anger? Don't say no because you're a fool if that's what you think. You can do it practicing a sport, through meditation and many many other way. Don't hurt the one you're with through your words and tone, just because you're filled with anger and you want to release it.

If you keep fighting I feel pitty for you because you have no clue wich are the consequences. The more I fight with someone, the more I hate it. The more we fight, the less I want him, enjoy his presence. When someone fights with me, and despite  my efforts to be calm and not respond the same way, he keeps being angry, I feel like telling him to leave me alone, because if that's what love or a relationship means, then I rather be alone my entire life.

More then that, when you grow up in a hostile enviroment (like me), in a familiy were screaming and anger was a routine, that's the thing you'll run away from your entire life. When you grew up like this and then you have a boyfriend or husband who does the same's so painful, because not only he hurts you in the present, but he reminds you of how you felt those days in childhood. And trust me, anger it's quite traumatizing for a kid. And especially girls, when they're young and experince something like this, they swear they will never accept a man like that, they will never tolerate angry people. They will rather give up on all their other expectations just to find a man they can find peace with. And all those who want and enjoy drama, they can feel free to go search for it somewhere else.

So...stop fighting guys! It doesn't make you more a man, it doesn't prove anything but the fact that you're unable to control your emotions. You're angry? break a glass, punch the wall, but don't hurt me by throwing all you anger towards me.

Anger is nothing but poison, is that's what you want, to poison me, our love?

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Unde esti?

Unde esti?Unde ai disparut?
De cate ori mi-am pus intrebarea asta...
Tie ti s-a intamplat vreodata ca o persoana pe care o iubesti sau la care tii ca prieten sa dispara brusc din viata ta? Sa nu-l mai gasesti niciunde, nicicum, sa nu stii unde e si ce face si de ce a ales sa iasa asa din viata ta fara un adio, fara o explicatie...
Mie mi s-a intamplat si nu doar o data. Din pacate nu-i pot condamna pentru ca si eu am facut acelasi lucru de multe ori.

Si totusi, esti constient  ca sa dispari din viata cuiva asa e o dovada de nesimtire si de imaturitate. Daca vrei  sa ai relatii de prietenie sau iubire, tine cont de faptul ca acestea vin la pachet cu niste reasponsabilitati, obligatii. Nu mai ai dreptul sa fi egoist. Nu poti sa faci ce vrei si sa ranesti oamenii din jurul tau.
Stii oare ce-i in sufletul persoanei din viata careia dispari? Habar n-ai....

Nu pot sa uit felul in care B. a iesit din viata mea intr-un asemenea mod, cand ma asteptam mai putin. Ce ma durea era faptul ca m-am considerat vinovata, credeam ca am spus/facut eu ceva gresit care l-a determinat sa uite de mine. Apoi am inceput sa imi fac griji, stiind in ce zona periculoasa lucreaza, ce job temeam ca poate a fost ranit. Ca sa nu mai zic cat de mult ma speria ideea ca poate a fost ucis in vreo misiune.

Doare cand altul dispare din viata ta. Dar la fel de greu e cand tu dispari din viata cuiva la care tii. N-am sa uit cand ma suna C. si nu-i raspundeam, ci doar stateam cu telefonul in mana si plangeam. Nu puteam sa raspund, nu puteam sa ii spun ca vreau sa ies din viata lui, pentru ca nu asta vroiam.Ma intreb  oare cum s-a simtit el, cat de tare l-am ranit, oare ma uraste?

Stii de ce am facut asta, de ce altii o fac, de ce disparem pur si simplu? De teama. Pentru ca vrem sa ramanem in viata acelei persoane dar ne e teama.

Stii ce doare cel mai tare cand cineva dispare in felul asta? Incertitudinea...faptul ca nu stii de ce a facut asta, nu stii daca a facut-o intentionat  sau a intervenit ceva, a patit ceva. Nu stii cu ce ai gresit. Nu stii ce simte fata de tine. Te simti ca si cum te-a tradat, te-a mintit, te-a folosit si-acum dispare pentru ca nu mai are nevoie de tine. Te urasti pentru sinceritatea ta in fata lui, pentru implicare, pentru tot ce-ai facut sau vroiai sa faci.

E gresit sa crezi ca daca cineva dispare in felul asta, nu exista alta varianta decat aceea ca nu ii pasa de tine, ca te-a folosit. Si eu din viata unora am iesit asa pentru ca nu mai simteam nimic pentru ei dar nu ma simteam in stare sa le-o spun, consideram ca vor suferi mai putin in felul asta decat daca i-as respinge direct. De altii m-am ascuns tocmai pentru ca ii iubeam prea mult si imi era teama sa ma implic.

Si totusi, tu de ce ai disparut asa, de ce ma ignori?Credeam ca suntem fost atata vreme. Mi-ai spus ca suntem prieteni, acum de ce fugi de mine?

Ai fi tentat sa crezi ca numai cand e vorba de iubire te doare sa dispara cineva atat de neasteptat. Dar si un prieten ti-e la fel de greu sa il pierzi si sa nu stii de ce. mai suntem niste copii, eu am 20 de ani, tu mult mai mult, nu crezi ca ar fi cazul sa ne maturizam, sa fim mai responsabili. Pana cand vrei sa te joci in felul asta, pana la 40 de ani? Nu uita ca pe masura ce trece timpul, cresc sansele de a ramane singur. Asta iti doresti? Nu vei putea compensa cu nimic lipsa caldurii cuiva, patul tau va fi mereu gol si rece iar in camera doar tacere. Nu va fi nimeni acolo care sa te imbratiseze.

Ai o varsta deja, ti-ai pierdut dreptul de a fi imatur si iresponsabil. Trezeste-te la realitate! Asuma-ti sentimentele si exprima-le indiferent ca sunt pozitive sau negative. Nu mai rani oamenii. Incertitudinea doare mai rau ca respingerea.

Unde esti?

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Cum sa te tii mereu de ceea ce iti propui

Tu reuşeşti mereu să faci ceea ce îţi propui? De câte ori nu ai reuşit? De ce? De ce uneori poţi, alteori nu?
Când am început să scriu despre acest subiect habar nu aveam ce. Apoi m-am “Şi totuşi, ce înseamnă să te ţii de un lucru, să reuşeşti să îl faci în fiecare zi?” (de exemplu să scrii în fiecare zi pe blog). Păi nu e clar? Un lucru pe care vrei să îl faci în fiecare zi e ceva ce trebuie să îţi între în obicei. Atunci, noi acum trebuie să vorbim despre cum poţi să îţi formezi un obicei şi evident, să îl păstrezi.
Citeste articolul integral pe Motivonti aici:

Read more: Cum să te ţii mereu de ceea ce îţi propui | Motivonti
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Mai exista oameni buni?

Am scris despre si pentru tot felul de oameni, in special fosti sau actuali prieteni. Unora le-am multumit, altora le-am cerut iertare, pe altii i-am acuzat. Si totusi...avand in vedere ca i-am mentionat inseamna ca ei conteaza pentru mine, ca inseamna sau au insemnat ceva.

Dar sunt persoane pe care am uitat sa le mentionez. Nu pentru ca asa fi uitat de ele, nu ca nu ar fi oameni importanti pentru mine. Ci poate doar ca nu a fost momentul potrivit.

Tu crezi ca mai exista oameni buni pe lumea asta? Probabil te indoiesti...majoritatea tind sa creada ca toti oamenii sunt rai. Dar ii cunoasti tu personal pe toti locuitorii planetei  ca sa stii cu siguranta ca absolut toti sunt rai. Eu cred ca exista oameni buni. Si inca destui. Eu ma consider un om bun, sau cel putin asa incerc sa fiu, n-am facut niciodata rau cu intentie si m-am straduit sa ajut mereu pe cine am putut fara sa tin cont de "merita".

Eu am avut norocul sa dau peste destui oameni buni. Poate si deasta eu cred ca oamenii( sau nu toti oamenii) sunt rai. Atat de buni au fost oamenii care au facut saui fac parte din viata mea incat m-au ajutat mai mult poate decat familia, m-au inteles, m-au sprijinit.

Nu intamplator scriu despre asta. Ci pentru cineva. Pentru un om bun din viata mea. Un prieten bun. Stii...cand oamenii te ajuta nu sunt tocmai in totalitate lipsiti de alte interese. Mai ales ca fata, un baiat/barbat te ajuta urmarind ceva, sa obtina de la tine ceva, cat de mic, de putin, dar tot vor ceva. Multi au facut asa, m-au ajutat, dar au asteptat ceva in schimb sau chiar au avut tupeul sa imi ceara.

Dar un om cu adevarat bun, cel despre care vorbesc astazi, nu mi-a cerut nimic. Nu stiu daca as asteptat altceva in afara de prietenia mea. Cert e ca m-a ajutat enorm  fara sa ma faca sa ma simt obligata sa il rasplatesc, fara sa aiiba anumite pretentii. Si mereu se ofera, mereu imi reaminteste ca e dispus sa ma ajute. Desi ma simt de cele mai multe ori nedemna de ajutorul lui, de prietenia lui. Eu nu am mult timp liber, timpul e pretios pentru mine, nici macar celor care mi-au fost iubiti nu eram dispusa sa le acord prea mult timp din viata mea. Deci nu i-am acordat nici lui si poate a crezut ca il ignor, ca nu imi pasa de el, ca nu vreau sa vorbesc cu el. Nu e deloc asa. De un prieten care e de aproape 6 ani in viata mea, chiar daca nu-i acord mult timp,  e totusi o parte din viata mea si il apreciez, il respect si il port mereu in gand.

Nu stiu daca ti-ai dat seama pana acum ca e vorba despre tine.
Da...Gimi...tu esti omul, prietenul bun despre care vorbesc si caruia vreau sa-i multumesc.
Stii inceputul prieteniei noastre, stii cat de greu a fost acea perioada pentru mine, si dintre toti doar tu m-ai inteles, doar tu nu m-ai judecat pentru greselile mele, nu te-ai luat dupa aparente sau dupa gura lumii. Dintre toti oamenii, doar tu nu ai profitat de naivitatea mea din aceea perioada.  Desii, sa stii ca ai fi putut sa o faci cu mare usurinta. Dar ma bucur ca nu ai facut-o, ca ai ramas un prieten adevarat si care m-a respectat.

Stii bine cat m-ai ajutat, in toate felurile posibile. Sunt constienta si eu de ajutorul tau si vreau sa iti multumesc pentru asta, nu am uitat si nu o sa uit.niciodata. Si va veni candva si ziua in care te voi putea rasplati cumva, cand te voi putea ajuta si eu cu ceva. Indiferent ca e pot peste un an sau zece, nu uit, nu raman datoare. Toti oamenii care m-au ajutat cumva, mi-au fost aproape, m-au sprijinit si au avut   in credere in mine, vor avea mereu un loc special in inima mea., Deci si tu.

Cum deocamdata nu iti pot multumi in alt fel, dar simt nevoia sa o fac, sa iti reamintesc ca te apreciez, singurul  lucru ce l-am putut face e asta, sa iti scriu. Stiu ca e un gest marunt, ca nu il poti considera o rasplata. Dar sper sa conteze.. Sa iti lumineze ziua faptul ca acum stii ca e cineva care se gandeste la tine si pentru care insemni ceva.  Chiar daca nu iti pot dovedi asta decat prin cuvinte..

Multumesc Gimi pentru increderea, sprijinul moral, ajutorul acordat in toti acesti ani. Multumesc pentru ca ai fost mereu un prieten adevarat. Ai dovedit ca in ciuda oamenilor rai din jurul tau, tu ai avut puterea sa ramai un om bun.

Sa ramai mereu asa. Sa fi mereu omul bun pe care il cunosc eu. Stiu ca e greu sa ai rabdare, stiu ca e greu sa fi singur, sa ai impresia ca nimeni nu te vrea, ca nimanui nu-i pasa de tine, sa simti ca nu ai noroc. Dar ai incredre in tine si in minev cand iti spun ca intr-o zi, chiar daca poate nu prea curand, si tu iti vei primi rasplata. Faptele bune nu se uita.

Multumesc Gimi.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

De ce te resping....

Te-au respins? Sau mai bine zis, te simti respins? Ai impresia ca lumea e rea si incorecta?Ca te  judeca  dupa aparente, te eticheteaza, ca e superficiala si din cauza   asta ai tu de suferit? Ca nu te accepta/plac pentru ca nu ai un corp atletic, haine de firma si aere de macho? Si totusi...daca le-ai vrea dar nu le ai, a cui e vina? Nu toti se nasc frumosi, cu bani sau stil, daca vrei ceva din toate astea trebuie sa muncesti pentru a le obtine.

Am multe persoane de genul asta in jurul meu, chiar prieteni foarte buni.  Daca mi-as permite le-as da vreo doua palme sa-i trezesc la realitate. Nu exista zi in care sa nu-si planga de mila, mereu  imi spun cat de batuti de soarta sunt, ca  nu-i iubeste nimeni  din cauza ca nu sunt frumosi si incep sa imi insire tot felul de defecte mai mult imaginare  decat reale.

Cu o asemenea atitudine vrei sa te placa lumea, sa iti cada fetele la picioare? Nu intelegi ca ele te vor barbat puternic si increzator, nu care se plange mai rau ca o baba. Nu te supara ca-ti spun dar o asemenea atitudine scoate lumea din sarite si vor ajunge sa te evite stiind dinainte ca tu nu faci niciodata altceva decat sa te plangi de lucrurile cu care nu te-a inzestrat natura.    

Te trezesti singur, ignorat si ghici de ce? Nu, nu e ce crezi tu, nu e  din cauza ca esti urat( si crede-ma, chiar nu esti urat ), e numai din cauza atitudinii tale. Lipsa asta de incredere si tine, faptul ca te subapreciezi, nu-i deloc ceva atragator. Nu asa vei atrage femei. Ca eu nu te resping din cauza asta, sa nu crezi ca nici altele nu o vor face. Eu ii accept/plac si si pe cei ca tine pentru ca  ii inteleg, stiu ce e dincolo de aceasta  atitudine, nu degeaba mi se spune Mama Ranitilor.

Nu mi-o lua in nume de rau, tot ce iti spun nu e din aroganta. Dimpotriva. Te inteleg, imi pare rau pentru tine si vreau sa te ajut. Stii de ce? Pentru ca nu demult si eu eram tot asa. Cand ma gandesc acum...e de-a dreptul penibil cat de enervanta probabil ca am fost, ma mir ca au fost unii care m-au suportat. In fiecare zi ma plangeam de viata mea si-mi blestemam soarta si oamenii din jurul meu. Dar m-am schimbat. Cand, cum, de ce....habar n-am, la mine schimbarile sunt mereu asa neasteptate, se petrec peste noapte.

Tu ce mai astepti? Vrei sa-ti imbunatatesti viata? Sa fi fericit? Implinit pe plan sentimental? Atunci renunta la atitudinea asta de catelus plouat/parasit/pricajit.

Ai defecte? Corecteaza-le! Sau macar ascunde-le. Scoate-ti in evidenta calitatile. ( si sa nu te prind ca zici ca n-ai, stiu eu ce stiu, ai destule).

Inca o data te intreb: Ai impresia ca te respinge lumea( pe motiv ca nu esti suficient de aratos) ?
Nu. Te inseli. Te respinge din cauza atitudinii.
Vrei sa fi, sa ai mai mult decat acum?
Atunci schimba-ti atitudinea. Macar atat, ca asta nu te costa nici bani nici timp ci doar vointa.
Nu te respinge nimeni din prroprie initiativa, tu declansezi respingerea, o provoci.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Frica ucide vise

Eşti conştient că ţi-e frică? Să nu-mi spui nu, că n-am să te cred, frica e o parte din noi. Despre ce frică vorbesc? Evident că nu despre frica de şerpi, păianjeni sau mai ştiu eu ce de genul acesta. Sunt lucruri de care e perfect normal să te temi, cu ele nu am nimic. Eu vorbesc aici despre frica iraţională, cea care te împiedică să-ţi duci la îndeplinire visele, cea care te ţine blocat în zona de comfort şi te face să eviţi tot ce e nou, incert sau riscant. Vorbesc despre frica de oamenii, de relaţii. Despre frica de fericire. (credeai că nu există aşa ceva?)
Tu chiar ai de gând să rămâi toată viaţa ca o fetiţă ce se smiorcăie că îi este frică de orice, până şi de propria umbră? Sper că nu. Sper că ai de gând să faci ceva, să lupţi pentru a fi tu cel care ţine frâul. Nu există un leac universal valabil pentru frică, doar tu poţi găsi modalitatea eficientă de a scăpa de ea. Eu cel mult pot să îţi spun câteva lucruri esenţiale despre frică, să îţi propun câteva variante de a acţiona, să îţi spun cum am procedat eu.
Restul articolului scris de mine il poti citi aici:
Read more: Frica ucide vise | Motivonti
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution Non-Commercial

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

De ce mereu aceeasi poveste?

Zilele astea am realizat cat de asemanatoare e povestea  de acum cu cea de anul trecut....e aproape identic totul, sau cum spuneam mai demult, povestea e aceeasi doar ca sunt alti actori in rolul personajelor. Mereu m-am intrebat de ce se repeta la nesfarsit aceeasi poveste, de ce e ca un cerc vicios din care nu mai pot scapa, ca un labirint in care m-am pierdut si din cauza intunericului( ignorantei?) nu mai gasesc iesirea. Parca as fi dependenta de anumite tipuri de oameni, anumite experinte, sau greseli, sau stari. Uram asta, pentru ca nu intelegeam de ce se intampla asa, unde gresesc, cum sa scap de acest lucru.
Cand nu intelegem motivul ce sta la baza unei intamplari negative, evident ca o vom luat ca pe o nedreptate si ne vom plange de mila. Mi-a luat cativa ani sa inteleg acest lucru. Desi in mintea mea existau informatiile necesare pentru a face aceasta descoperire, pur si simplu le-am ignorat, nu am fost constienta de ele. Nu e nimic dificil de inteles sau de facut, pe oricare psiholog il vei intreba va stii sa iti raspunda la aceasta nelamurire. Mereu facem aceeasi greseala sau ne implicam in acelasi fel de relatie nepotrivita pentru ca asta atragem. De ce? Pentru ca in mod inconstient asta vrem, de asta avem nevoie, asta ne este familiar. Incercam cumva sa ne implicam in acelasi timp de situatie in care anterior am esuat, pentru a putea reusi acum. Iar prin succesul de acum vom compensa ce-a fost inainte, vom sterge exeperientele anterioare neplacute, le vom depasi.

Pe moment cand am realizat in ce mod detaliat e similara experienta de acum( chiar si ca timp-luna noiembrie, ca domeniu: relatie, finante, locuinta, sanatate etc.) cu cea de anul trecut am fost oarecum socata, dezamagita, era ca si cum intreg universul meu se prabusea.

Dar dupa cateva zile de analizat la rece situatia, zile care m-au tinut aproape imobila, mi-am dat seama ca situatia se repeta din nou de fapt in folosul meu. Mi-am dat seama cu ce am gresit data/datile trecute. Chiar daca am repetat greseala, felul in care voi reactiona acuma va fi diferit pentru ca stiu cum sa abordez greseala pentru a o remedia. Vezi, ce ti-am spus eu depre esec, ca are si beneficii? Acum mi-am dovedit mie ca nu m-am inselat.
Am realizat de data asta ca e oarecum vina mea. Daca vorbim despre relatii : ma intrebam mereu de ce nu rezista la mine niciodata mai mult de un an. Raspunsul: pentru ca nu eram dispusa sa ma schimb pentru cineva, pentru ca nu vroiam sa fac nici un fel de sacrificiu si mai ales faceam greseala sa consider ca o relatie ori merge de la sine ori nu-i cea buna. Si ma inselam, pentru ca oricat de bine s-ar intelege doi oameni, cat de compatibili ar fi, intotdeauna va trebui sa "lucreze" la relatia lor. Oricat ai evita, oricat de tolerant sau de nepretentios ai fi tot vor exista mici dispute, vor iesi la iveala diferentele dintre voi. Esential e sa nu le lasi sa va afecteze. Sa fi constient ca anumite reactii sunt negative, ca trebuie sa discuti calm neintelegerile si sa gasiti impreuna o solutie, sa gasiti o cale de mijloc.

Daca pana acum ma temeam de relatii, atasament, implicare, acum nu o mai fac. Daca pana acum credeam ca voi fi mereu nefericita si neimplinita pe plan sentimental, nu la fel cred si acum. Acum am incredere in mine si in capacitatea mea de a face alegeri bune. Acum stiu ca sunt in stare sa am o relatie sanatoasa si sa renunt la cele care-mi faceau rau, ma puneau in ipostaza de victima si-mi deteriorau respectul de sine. Acum stiu ca sunt in stare sa ies din acest cerc vicios, ca sunt in stare sa ma opresc inainte de a ma lasa controlata de emotiile provocate de evenimente.

Mi-a fost folositoare pentru o mai buna intelegere, una dintre cartile citite acum cativa ani- Femei care iubesc prea mult. Gasiti cateva cuvinte despre ea chiar aici pe blog. Chiar daca e despre relatii, despre femei mai mult, poate fi folositoare si in alte situatii cand observi cate un pattern care iti da bataie de cap si te  impiedica sa fi fericit.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Words at anger

Today I was really really angry. With guys. Because none of those that matters to me gave any kind of attention to me today. They were all gone, busy, or just hidden(yeah, I'm paranoic, I know:P  ).

Luckily,I got plenty attention when I was out, even girls stared at me( my new hair look must be the one wich draws attention)

Anyway...where I was trying to get is....that ....all this anger made me write something. I'm not sure I can call it a poem, are a few verses...

Break breaks it.
Silence builds walls.
Empty spaces can't stay empty for too long.          
Undefined things are unstable.                                                                                                                       Unspoken rules directly I will not obey.
So, at the end don't dare asking"why?",          
You already have my answer..
This time the innocence
Has won....

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Heels singing LONELINESS in a dark cold night

From diary...
I must be really brave. It was already dark,  late in the night, but I had the guts to walk on streets. Almost no one except me was out at this time. At least no woman's face I saw. Just a bunch of weird or drunk men. The  city seems really creepy after dark, I mean, it's full of students but you see none. Quiet. Just like you see in those horror movies, where everybody is already dead or gone.

 Coming from hairdresser, I packed a few things and went on my way to my brother's flat. Dressed up really pretty, hair done by a stylist, some makeup, you'd think I was ready for a night out. But was all for a lonely night.. Shame on me!!! Or should I rather say shame on them? From so many guys I know, friends, best friends, sort of current or ex boyfriend/s ( yeah, I know it souns like wtf....but how can I call them, when they all have the demands of a boyfriend but none acts like one) not a single one was available tonight.....somehow they all disappeared( that's what I hate the most, when one is gone, all do the same things leaving me alone and sad, when one is trying to reach me, they all suddenly want my company). None bothered to give me a call at least to say "hey, how are you? sorry I can't see you/talk more tonight, but I'm busy". Not even a text message. But if one  day I'd ditch one of these guys and tell him I'm going out with a friend, he would ask me angry: "What?How can you do that, I thought we had something, that we care about each other and have something seriouis here.' .Really?I'd ask. Ignoring is not something that people who care do. But ...whatever...I don't know why the hell do I care. I had plenty  jerks in my life, I'm used with this kind of behaviour. Maybe   calling them jerks because of this it's too much. Maybe it's just typical for men. Maybe it's only my fault, that I lay here in bed  waiting for any of them, thinking about them, instead of going out , having fun...If only they appreciate I'm such a faithfull girlfiend/friend...

Anyway....forget about guys..let's get back to our sheeps..
I was writing about me walking alone on streets this late.
A really funny image. An angel  blondie with scared big brown eyes carring a huge and heavy bag ...And walking so slowly, looking at the view, as if it was just a walk through   the park.

Many would say I'm irresponsable for that. They will say anything could've happened to me because it was late, dark and no one around and I was looking as a very good prade.
When asked something like that, I always tell them: :" It's not what you's just that...I ain't scared at all.Why should I be? After all the shit I've been through all these years, nothing is scarry enough for me. No matter what happens, it won't be for the first time. I'm already used with these things,  I accept them and wait them to pass, to end... Funnier then that( tough it's more like tragic)  I'm more able to handle bad things, pain, then good ones, happiness.

That's why I'm not scared. the end, I got home safe and now I'm gonna sleep. What else can a good girl do at this hour?Falling asleep with him in my  thoughts and  asking myself why, why is it an empty place in my bed?Wish he was here to fill it...

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved