Aceeasi poveste.Alte roluri

O veche poveste, dar intr-o alta varianta.Singura constanta in aceasta poveste?Probabil ca eu...si totusi...jucand un alt rol.Inainte era El,  N.(iluzia) si eu(inocenta).Acum...i-am luat locul, exact cum intuisem, am ajuns eu iluzia iar un Altul joaca rolul indragostitului inocent.

 Povestea e aceeasi:cineva(baiat/fata) se indragosteste la o varsta frageda-probabil vreo 14 ani- de cineva cu cativa ani mai in varsta, mai experimentat cum s-ar spune.Cel "mic" e fascinat de lumea in care i se ofera sansa sa  traiasca  alaturi de celalalt.Il considera perfect, il ridica pe un piedestal atat de inalt incat nimeni nu-l mai poate cobora de acolo.Inocentul e atat de vrajit incat  nu vede ceea ce El/Ea este in realitate.E ca si cum dragostea ce o porti actioneaza ca un filtru si nu lasa la vedere decat partile Lui bune.Cand vraja dispare e deja prea tarziu...raul a fost facut.

Prima iubire.Toti am trait asa ceva.Multi poate si-o amintesc cu drag, altii isi doresc sa o fi putut pastra, unii...ar vrea sa uite.Pentru efectul pe care il are asupra noastra e ceva ce nu putem trece cu vederea...e ca o dinamita, manuita cu neatentie poate oricand exploda, te poate rani sau iti poate lua viata.Da, prima iubire te formeaza, e ca o scoala vitala pentru relatiile ce urmeaza...si totusi, te poate si distruge.

Poate ca deasta, atunci cand stiu ca cineva ma iubeste,in loc sa fiu fericita,  ma incearca  mai degraba altfel de sentimente, din cele negative.Nu vreau sa am aceasta responsabilitate.Sa stiu ca viata cuiva a fost atat de mult transformata de un "nu" sau un "da" spus de mine, de  un gest, de o speranta pe care nu trebuia sa o dau, de o lume pe care nu trebuia sa o impartasesc cu el.

 Ma urasc cand vad ca am schimbat rolul, ca joc rolul lui acum.Credeam ca e greu sa fi o victima,dar nu, sa fi calaul e de 1000 de ori mai greu, mai dureros.Daca esti victima, e doar durerea ta cea careia trebuie sa ii faci fata.Dar ca si calau...ii faci rau lui, dar suferi si tu stiind ca faci rau...fara sa vrei.

 Nu stiu cand, cum, unde dar am ajuns sa fiu ca el.Sunt doar o iluzie.De ce oamenii nu pot sa vada dincolo de iluzia asta care ma inconjoara, de ce ma vad mai mult decat sunt in realitate?Asa suntem noi oamenii,ne indragostim de imagine inainte de a vedea realitatea.

Ma simt exact cum....Alfie(Jude Law) o descrie pe Nikki (Sienna Miller) in filmul Alfie:

“ I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marble.Aphrodi... Aphrodite, something like that.Beautiful, she was.Perfect female form.Chiselled features.Exquisite.I stood in awe of her.Finally, the teacher calls us all over, and I'm walking past it,and on the way I notice, in the side of this Greek goddess,all these cracks, chips, imperfections Ruined her for me.Well, that's Nikki.A beautiful sculpture... ...damaged......in a way you don't notice till you get too close. Despite my best efforts, I'm beginning to feel some small cracks in my faux finish.”

 Da,exact asa...ca o statuie pe care o vezi frumoasa, perfecta....de la departare..

dar pe  masura ce te apropii de ea incepi sa-i vezi imperfectiunile, crapaturile..

Si-atunci, cum sa imi placa rolul meu de Iluzie?Cum sa-i permit cuiva sa se 

indragosteasca de ceva ce nu e real?Sa sufere pentru ceva ce nu e real.

Da, stiu, as putea sa las sa cada toate mastile, sa piara iluzia.Dar nu pot.M-as simti

dezgolita, vulnerabila.Iluzia e un rol pe care l-am invatat atat de bine incat nu mai pot

renunta la el, e o parte din mine.Cel putin deocamdata.

Mda, cam asta ar fi povestea...povestiile.

 Mi-e teama...mi-e teama ca povestea asta se va sfarsi la fel ca prima.Mi-e teama ca va

veni o zi  cand "Altul" isi va da seama ca nu m-a iubit pe mine ci o iluzie, la fel cum mi-am dat si eu seama ca nu l-am iubit pe N. ci imaginea perfecta pe care mi-am faurit-o despre el.Sunt egoista probabil, pentru ca nu as vrea ca “Altul” sa renunte atat de usor la mine cum am renuntat eu la N.....

Doua povesti, diferite si totusi atat de asemanatoare.Povesti care-au influentat atatea vieti....

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

love them, bad guys

     I had a dream last night.It was about one of my ex-boyfriends....Actually about my first boyfriend (and that's a really strange thing because I never think about him, I always said that even if he was my first boyfriend I didn't really care about him...I mean..I was 14 back then, now I'm 20...He's supposed to be ancient history...but..whatever, I'll talk about this subject another time)

What I wanna say is that dreaming about him made me think about bad guys.Yes, if you wonder he was a bad guy.If I think about it for a second I realize most of the guys I liked were famous for being bad boys.So, probablly that means  I have a thing for bad guys.Probably.I admit it.But maybe you wonder what makes a girl(what makes me) fall for a...jerk( but you might consider it that a bad guy is noy always a jerk)

Actually there are many types of bad guys.The type I'm talking about are those guys that do a lot of stupid things ...mostly for fun, and for that people tag them as being bad.And I'm also talking about guys that play a lot with girls and never get serious about any....

The main reason why I like bad one is because...despite of their bad character, they treat me better then I would've ever imagined...I mean no matter what they did in the past, no matter how they treated other girls, no matter how they behave with other, they never said to me bad,dirty word, they never hit me...they were so respectful that i was actually shocked...And they makes me feel special when I know I'm the only one they are nice with, I'm the one they trust enought to be themselves around me

Why are they so nice to me when they are actually supposed to be bad? Maybe it's because I was always the good girl type.Everytime I asked a guy about this he said something like:"Seriously?Look at you, how could anyone be mean with you, hit you, hurt you on purpouse?you're like an angel" Well, thank you guys for saying that.It's helpful for my self-esteem

Well I agree with that....I mean, in my opinion you get what you deserve... if a guy doesn't treat you right it's your fault.

I don't think bad guys were born bad...I think a guy becomes bad because he was hurt a lot in the past.And the bad attitude it's just a shield to protect him for being hurt again.So every bad guy is actually a good one deep inside.He just needs the right girl, with whom he can let his guard down, to whom he can open up... a girl that won't judge him and will see not the bad, but the good in him.

People always dissaproved me every time i had a crush on a bad guy.They said it wasn't good enough for me, i deserve  more blah blah blah....But I had my reasons Behind their "bad" mask i always saw a sparkle of kindness...

There are many things to apreciate about a bad guy, many things you can learn from him.

First,I think they are  really strong persons mentally. The've been through a lot and they managed somehow to survive.

Then, I admire them for their courage.They are not afraid to be themselves,to say what they think, to do whatever they like.

Another thing about bad guys is that a girl feels more protected with them, because nothing scares them, so they would fight for her, they won't allow anyone to treat her bad

Bad guys are interesting, they do interesting things. They have strayed from the straight-and-narrow and have developed their own code of conduct. .

Bad guys are confident and self assured. 

Plus bad guys are a challenge. We all love a challenge, and women may love a challenge even more than the boys. If something is a challenge, the end results must surely be worthwhile, right? 

But... Hey, guys!Don't get me wrong. You don't have to be a bad boy to get girls. You just have to bring bad boy attitude. The four ways to do this are: 

• Make her feel safe 

• Play on her wild side 

 Being successful with babes takes the kind of attitude that isn't afraid of risks. If you're always concerned about being politically correct, perfectly polite, and the kind of gentleman she'd introduce to her folks, you'll see girls slip through your fingers time and time again. Be a little outrageous. Flirt with her shamelessly. Let her know that you find her sexually attractive. Drop hints that will intrigue her. Say something risqu , and grin when her mouth drops. They may act shocked, even offended, but believe me: they LOVE it when you tease.

• Don't let anyone walk over you 

• Develop atittude 

  You can read more about that here:

http://www.topdatingtips.com/bad-guys.htm 

Good girls are more likely to fall for bad guys(just like bad guys fall for good girls.) :

"A `good girl' is a woman who has followed the rules all of her life; she's been taught to go along with the status quo of what everyone else thinks she should do, be and want," says Dr. Stovall. "These women have not had an opportunity to be who they are, so they are attracted to the men who rebel against the rules, and they live vicariously through them." women who have spent their entire lives pleasing others are more likely to be attracted to "bad guys."

"Being a `good girl' means you've had to forego a lot of your natural instincts, all in the interest of being good," says Dr. Paster. "Therefore, [with a `bad boy'] you can get the pleasure and excitement with someone who hasn't foregone his instincts, all while [maintaining] your image of being good."

Read more  here:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_6_55/ai_61619021/

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

How many times can you screw up things?

Don't know about you, but me....it seems like no matter how many times i played with fire and got burned, i never learn my lesson.What the hell am I talking about?!Of course, like usually, about relationships.

Excuse my language, lately i use a lot the"fuck" word and others related.I guess I've got so much anger  that I can't keep it inside anymore.So what if i like saying a fuck in every sentence?You don't like it?then don't fucking read it :)) 

So ( i also use a lot of  "so" and "well") let's get back to bussiness( i mean back to the subject).

I was watching this morning( i'm still watching it while writing) Dexter(you know, the TV series, not the cartoon) and Dex. with his sis' were talking about  screwing up thing, relationships.So :) I thought about how many times i did that, how  many times I've lost a guy just because ...I think I've become addicted to bad things, pain and  so on...and  when anything good comes in my life, i can't handle it so i find a way to make it leave.

First time i did it it was ...jeeezzz...4 years ago( I don't know why but for me it feels like ages ago) .I did it with N. he was the once in a lifetime love.Love  at first sight.Love from another life.I loved him with my soul not with my hearth.Why did I screw up things with him?Because my mom' said so.Because every one said so.He was the bad guy, I was the good girl(really?)  so i wassupposed to deserve more.Oh,shouldn't forget to mention I also did it out of fear, fear of the things i might do for him, to be with him.(and trust me there was no limitt. I'm not trying to be dramatic but some thing were even worst then death, but I would've  done it,  'cause I've been so used with pain  it comes easily to handle it, rather then i handle pleasure)

Second time it was 3 years ago with M( funny, it was N, now M, the next one should be L, sorry I didn't had a boyfriend with L   :P ).He was ...a different kind of love, more like love from earth, realistic.He was the one who knew about all the crazy shit I've did, but still liked me.He listened to me, tried to help me, to make me happy.He was the first guy I've met who wasn't a jerk.But I am who/what I am, and you kn mow what I said one day? I say neahh, I have so much happiness and perfection that it makes me sick, I'm bored, I pain, I want things to fight with, fight for, to struggle, i wanna cry, i wanna  be sad...

Wtf? Who says something like that?I  must be really crazy....to bad that no one notice that...( It just crossed my mind the I might got that thing with the "fuck" word from Dex's sister...and i really enjoy saying it, it's like a therapy, everytime i get pissed off by something, I say the magic word... Hahah :))       )

Thirth time?Well...you can say it was a few  months ago....with C...I know him since i was in the kindergarden,  so i was 6...and he was 4...ya,younger then me :) . First time we made it as a couple i was 16 and he was almost  14 :D ....we got along pretty well but dahhhh we were to young....what was the thing with him?well, even if he was just a kid and me a growing up girl, he treated me like a lady, he proved to be a real man, despite of his Cassanova reputation.And that was a new thing for me, he made me feel protected.He was the kind of guy that knew how to make a girl want him.The kind of guy i could....take a deep breath...get married with:) yeahhh don't laugh, i'm talking serious....just him saying " i'm gonna make you my wife" turns me on like like..huh...

But like i said...we were to young  so we split without saying anything...just ignoring each other...
The we got back together last year...i never meant to...but somehow i ended up dancing with him...and being in his arms i felt so....high...i knew i still had feelings for him...


Those days it was all over the knews the thing with the particle accelerator, begining/end of the world, black holes...And that's kind of my thing, i know a lot about these stuff so i was playing with people's mind, scaring them that we will day, the end of the world is coming, a big black  hole is gonna swallow  us and so on...and like always when i lie, i end up beliving my own lies...And i was a little sad because i didn't want to die...but...getting back to the subject....so deep were my feelings for him  and so high  that being in his arms i said to myself: "now the black hole can come, i don't care, at least i die happy in his arms" .Isn't this so sweet?Did I really said that, me, the pain liker, is able to be so in love?I don't even wanna think about it....

You probably wonder why we split up the second time if i loved him so much?Well...it was nothing bad about our relationship...maybe that was the problem...we always said that what we have others would die for...because we never argue about anything, we are very understanding with eachother, we make jokes, we have a lot of freedom  each of us...but maybe that was to much to soon.. ..if it was up to ...like i said before, the moment he would've asked me, i would've got married with him 'cause i knew it was love....so maybe we both got scared and needed a break...

Yes, maybe you guessed, this year i got back with him...i didn't want to even if i knew i still had fellingg, but i knew how screwed up  i am, how many problems i have to deal with, there was no place for love in  my life......

But somehow I couldn't resist...i was so happy being again with happy...especially because guys,friends of his who saw me those days said i  became more pretty...so that must have made him proud for me being his girl.....we spent together the new years eve...i got drunk like usually(me  nasty nasty girl, i couldn't help myself from showing them  i'm not such a nice and quiet girl as they thought )...

I felt so good again, so alive,happy, in love...but nothing lasts forever, you know that don't you? so we met a few more times as i was still there at my grandparents...but then when i came back home everything ended..I became more messed up, depresses, problems with my health, with school, with money, with  the house...it was more then i could handle ...i keept  trying to fix me,my life, so i told him we will meet next week, in two weeks and so on...but i couldn't do that anymore, i knew it may take months until i get better so  i did what i always do when i want someone out of my life, i made myself disapper, ignore him, his messages, let him think i dont want him anymore...

It was....It still is so hard to be apart from him...to lie him,them , myself that i don't give a shit about him...when actually i always loved him so much......I don't expect him to belive or understand me...i just hope i will get better as soon as i can..and maybe ....if i can be so good then he would give me, us, another chance....

So....that's my story about how i screw up any good thing that I've got.....
 Pathetic, isn't it ?



 © 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

...If I had one wish ( not Ray Jay,this is my version)

Damn baby...
Just don't understand how i could do that to you,to us...
I told you i gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
Gave you...
But these were only words...
Even if i was the one who said i love you first
It was about 3 years ago, can't act like i don 't know
see i always knew it was something more
then pickin' a name,
playin' a game....

Now i think i need a bottle with a genie in it...
so this shuld be a wish list,
but i don't need a lot of wishes, i just need one...

if i had one wish
you'd be my boo,
promise to love you,
promise to trust you,
never lie again
that i don't want you...

If I had one wish that would be you...


Damn...i can't even find my words to say how i feel...
you think it's hard when you break up 'cause she/he doesn't love you anymore or cheated on you...No,excuse me, but that ain't hard.Let me tell you what's hard.

This is hard: when you love him, he loves you,when every little thing of your relationship is perfect, like living a fairytale...but...it comes a big BUT between you and him like it wasn't enough that no one agrees that i'm with him, i become so messed up, inside and outside as well, so broken i can't keep my pices together...i'm so fucked up that i can't be with him...

how can i tell him that, how can i make him understand, when no one can...i wish i could scream: "damn boy, can't you see i'm crazy, i'm fucked up, i'm a mess....i fuckin' love you so much that it hurts me doing this, but i have no choice.....i must get better for me, for us in case there will be anything left of us that day..."

So, like i said, that's the hardest choice i've ever made...giving up the one i really love...because that's what must be done, because that's the only way i can keep living.I must get rid of all my demons before living in heaven...

.. i wish you could understand this baby, i'm doin' it for us, 'cause you deserve the best of me, not the fucked up me...

If I had one wish...that would be you...me...US...

Love ya, ...no matter what...




 © 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved