Weather's like my soul

So much raining lately.It's funny that it always rains when I'm sad.As if the sky was crying with my tears.Tears that turned into floods. Same old feelings:anger, frustration.I thought I 've got over then.I blamed the weather for my moods,  I blamed the winter,the fall, I blamed the food saying it was filled with chemicals, I blamed the pills I used to take, I blamed coffe, Pepsi, so many things I've put the blame on.Maybe all the blame is on me, because I'm enable to deal with my emotions, I have no control over them.I blame especially her, for doing nothing for me.She's just watching me so calmly while I distroy myself everydays.She would get mad if she knew the things I was accusing her.But that's the truth, even if it's unconsciously, she enjoys me being so damaged.Because this is the only way she can keep me with her.If I were ok, I would've never stayed here with here more then a week.Only the broken me prefers this place,otherwise...If I would be perfectly fine I would go as far as I could, without looking back, not even for a second.



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

What you see is not what I am

Sometimes It seems I'm a liar.But am I?No, I don't think so.My only fault is that I can't be what I am.I'm wick.I waste my life most of the time.It's like I'm trapped in a body that's not mine.I'm filled with emotions that don't belong in me.I'm in a trap.How can I escape.It's a dark and twisted labirynth.How did I end up here?How can I find my way out?When?.There are many types of wall, bars that keep people locked up.The walls of my prison are different.They are made of irrational fear, guilt,anger, frustration, low selfesteem,lack of trust....

I wish I can find a way to get rid of all these things that makes me what I'm not.It' such a heavy burden.I wish I was stronger.It's a shame I waste all the things I was gifted with.

I blamed people for asking to much from me.Maybe they are right.They just want what's best from.They just want me to be happy.They know I can be better then this.So, if there's someone to be blamed for all the shit in my life, sorry honey, that's me.( i love this word "honey" "hon", my army guy calls me like that-when I'm not runing away from him). I wish I'd be all the things I can be.I wish I could see myself the way others do.I wish I could love me at lest half the way they love me.Trust myself the way they trust me.Belive in myself the way they belive in me.I just wish I could see myself through their eyes.

Sometimes I feel like some of them are really seeing inside me, see the real me, see what I can be.But I'm always dumb, push them away, reject their help.

Anyway...I just wish I could be 100% myself.No mask, no secrets,no more hiding or running...Do I ask too much?


© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Like a djin

I hate my past.Not because of what it is, but because it keeps haunting me.Because pieces of my past rise in the middle of the night from silence and darkness ans steal my sleep.They never let me rest.They perform something like a ritual.All those people from my past make a circle around me and dance like a djin tribe.They are laughing.And torture me. Even if i let my past behind even if i stopped trying to revive it, my past won't let me move on. Is there any escape?I guess not.We all have to live with our past, carry it as if you carry your own cross.Get used to it.




© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Time for answers,choices.Really?

 You had time enough for thinking,what did you decide?some will ask me.
Yes I know I had plenty of that, but...answers don't come just like that, when I want them to...There's a right time for everything, so maybe it's not the right time for me to make such a long term choice.So I won't be able to answer when people will ask what I wanna do with my life.They will be disappointed of me, saying I've wasted so many months doing nothing, saying I'm screwing my life.Yeahh, whatever.Just because they can't see any improvements on the outside, it doesn't mean nothing changed.Or maybe I didn't actually changed in any way.But at least now I know I can change if I really want to or need to.At least, having all this time-out just with myself, isolated from everyone, from any kind of influence, I managed to know myself better.So here are the things I've learned these months:

Firstly I should say I've learned that It's imposible for one to live his entire life doing what others want, make them happy, proud.Selfishness in this case is a good thing.One should make his happiness a priority even if that means to disappoint otheres.We aought to live our  lives chasing our own dreams, not others.

I've learned that most of the problems of today have their origins in the past, in childhood.

I've learned that I am able to do things I never thought I will.

I've learned that losing your hope is not the end.Every thing that you lose can be found again.So is hope.

I've learned that I run away from happiness because it scares me.I'm afraid that I will get it and then, when I get used to it, I will lose it.I want everything or nothing.I don't wanna have something if I know I might lose it.I reject thing before losing them.

I am enable to accept defeat,

I forgot how it's like to miss someone.I am not able to miss someone.And it's not my fault for that.It's just because when I wanted to have people beside me, I had no one, I was alone, rejected.And that was so painfull that my heart never allowed me again to miss someone.That' why now I'm accused of being so cold, detached, not caring about people, about losing them.

I've learned that I was wrong when I always considered myself a victim.Many times, involuntary I was the "bad guy".I might have hurt people more then they've hurt me.But I never meant to.

I've learned that no one is borne bad.People become bad/mean because of the life they had, people they met.Bad people are just angry people.Angry because of those many times when they  got hurt.Being bad is just a defence mechanism.So don't judge people just because they seem to be bad ones.Try to help them.They need someone to show them their good parts.

I've learned that people are not meant to be solitary.They need company.

I've learned that freedom is something we don't need.Is just an illusion.That it's not worth the price.That we don't really need it.

I've learned that people can change but it takes a huge effort.

I've learned that some things are not worth fighting for.

I've learned that getting what you want is not the hardest thing.Keeping that thing is much more harder.

I know now how important it is to be patient.Good things come to those who are able to wait.

I've learned that some people love you more then you can imagine.But they can't tell you, they don't want to, or they don't know how to.

I've learned that life is not hazard.Every little thing has a meaning.Every small event can teach you a lesson.But most of the people can't see the meaning of things.

I've learned that the more you think about life the more unhappy you become.Life should be lived  more, and less thought about.

I know  that most of the things are replaceable..

And many other things I can't remember now....

So, do you still think all these months were wasted in vain?

“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”


© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Aquarius’s bad side

I have no idea how I ended up reading this today.But it got my attention, because like some of you already know, my sign is  Aquarius.
So here are the bad things you should know about Aquarius:


Arrogant                             
(what??am i arrogant:???)
 
Sexually freaky                    
(no comment!!!  that's not your damn business! :P   )
 
Weird (in a bad way)  .....  
(they lie here, don't belive it, weird in a good way, I  can proove it, :P )
 
Stubborn                           
(that's a true one, Miss Stubborn, that's me!)
 
Immature                            
(Oh my...that's another true one...but in a good way...i mean, i'm not                                                immature, i just act childish sometimes...most of the times :))
 
Mentally insane          
 (come on!...maybe not 100% sane...but ,come on guys, don't make me crazy...am i? )
 
Cold and unfeeling     
 (yeah...some have said that about me...but i'm not always like that)
 
Offensive                    
(no,i'm not!!!)
 
Grotesque                   
(wtf?)
 
Overly Rebellious        
(Oh,yeaaah,that's definately true  ,  rebel to the bone!!! )
 
Always needs drama  
(not happy about it,but kinda true...it's just b'cuz romance is boring i prefer drama)
 
Always goes against everyone because of their arrogance  
(don't call me arrogant again!!i said i ain't! )

Well..i think it's funny....but Hey!Don't take it for real...I mean,yeah,some of these things are true,but definately not all. 



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

My hate list

1.Cell phones and those who keep calling me even if I told them a thousand times not to...wanna be in touch with me, text me, but don't call, it's my right to dislike it and you should respect that if you wanna be a part of my life

2.meat and people that try to force me to eat it.Did I ever forced anyone to eat soy just because i like it?No, I don't think so...So...respect my food choices..

3.shopping...waste of time...waste of money...i rather buy things only when I really need them

4.jeans...I never wear them...

5.liars and lies...I always tell people I rather have them telling me an ugly and painful truth, then a pretty lie

6.people that stop talking to me when they realise I'm not as dumb as they thought

7.people that judge others

8.people that act like i own them something and i must obey, when actually it's the opposite,

9.those who think without them I would be miserable

10.those who tell me when I'm sad that everything will be ok .Yes you dumb ass, of course I know one day It'll be ok, but what am I going to do until that day?

11.those who think that only because I look pretty much ok, I am actually ok

12.those who treat me like a robot and think I can do anything, I'm unbreakable..and I can be fixed until the limit time is reached

13.those who think that love is enough to make a relationship work

14.those who put pressure on me to do something

15.those who dosn't understand that a NO is a NO

16. on a date, going to have some drinks in a bar...no way...i rather go just for a walk...or..if with my boyfriend, I rather spend more time at home

17.sea's waves ...I'm a little scared of them, even if I know how to swim

18.people that ask me things that are too private

19.buses..i rather travel with a train

20.sweat...smelly sweat in a crowded bus in a hot summer day

21.people taking decisions related to me, without my approval

22.those who say they know what's best for me

23.those who say they will help me because they care about me, but they actually do nothing, they only keep repeating that they will..

24.promises...people usually don't keep their promisses so I never trust them when they make one, I was too many times dissappointed

25.married guys...trying to have a relationship with me, forgeting to mention they have a wife

26.guys who think they can buy me with money...no, sorry, not that Mercedes, neither that LEXUS can impress me ...

27.People that criticise a lot. Like my brother.Mind your one bussiness!

28.guys that doesn't treat me right when they have me, they leave me or lose me and then, when they realise they can't get a beeter one, they want me back saying how much I mean to them, how sorry they are for not knowing what a great girl I am...sorry but when you ditched me..you can't get me back...


© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

You wanna know the truth?Here's the truth

You know...people always saw me as the strong one, the one who's able to do anything.That should've made me happy, right? But no...I never was...I felt like a robot...like I wasn't allowed to fail, like i was forced to be perfect....But hey,I'm only human... People having so many expectationes from me, actually harmed me,inside.Because it made me create another side of me, a fake one,and no matter how broken i was i had to not let them see it...

But no more .... I found the strenght to face the hidden side of me and let it out.We have only one life,a short one, why wasting it living a lie? Since I've made peace with myself,since I accepted that no one is perfect so there is no way I could be, I keep discovering new things about myself,day by day..

For example,today.I realised I'm scared,I'm scared when it comes about love,I've got my own insecurities wich makes me fear.. I know I shouldn't be but I am scared.I'm scared of being rejected.I've been once and it still hurts so badly,even now after almost 5 years, like the scars of rejection are still fresh on my heart...

It's funny...because most of the people see me as a great girl, one that any guy should be lucky to have as a girlfriend...but still....I'm scared that no matter how good I am I will never be good enough.I'm scared that as soon as I will make a mistake those that I love will push me away.

And I'm scared because I'm impulsive and I always rush things...I'm always more onest then I should.I can't keep things inside me, i always share what I feel, what I think and that's not such a good thing because sometimes people get scared when I do that.

I'm scared because even if I'm lucky to find a good guy I push him aways because I'm scared that he might do it as soon as he finds out I'm not what he thought I was.

That's why I don't wanna do it anymore.

I don't want anyting fake about me,I don't wanna sell illusions.
I want the guy who will have me as his girlfriend to have a real thing, the real me.
I want him to trust me,to rely on me that I will always be onest.I want him to know me the way I realy am.And if I got flaws I don't want him so say something like :"No, honey, you're not like that...You look perfect, you are perfect, I love you the way you are".I don't belive in these things, I don't want him to accept my flaws, I want him to help me change them, because in my opinion that will make the relationship even stronger.


So(This is for my next boyfriend, for whoever wants to be my friend/boyfriend) ...don't like me the way I am, tell me what's wrong about me, tell me what you don't like about me, or just tell me what should I change in order for me to look better, to behave better, what should I change to make our relationship work better, what should I change to make you happy.

Because I do wanna make you happy, that's why I choose you, for both of us to be happy.

And I do wanna change.I do wanna be better,For me,for you, for us.I'm not like other girls.I won't say "If you like me take me as I am, if you don't like me the way I am,then go fuck yourself" So remember that...

Like I said I'm scared....if this is one of the things you don't like about be then help me cope with my fears, help me to understand that I have no reason to be scared. You probably don't understand why am I actually scared.It's because i jump to soon in relationships...because when I like a guy It's hard for me to take things slowly and that ruins everything.

You know good things are hard to find...so I don't wanna ruin it..That's why from now on I wanna take things slowly( as slowly as i will be able to,even if it's so hard to wait to get something when you want it right now),I wanna take the time I need to be ready for it...I wanna make sure that we do things in the right way...I wanna make sure that we know each other very well before we jump to the next stage, before we jumpt to the real thing..

Don't get me wrong..I mean...if you read this you might freak out and think I want something more seriously then what you want.I'm not saying I do,I'm not saying I don't.I'm saying just in case you want ...a real thing...

I'm just saying that ...when someone likes me...and wants to date me or something like that , he should read this and understand that...I like him to(probably...I mean...I won't like every guy who likes me, but if I like him,probably he already knows it when reading this) but I'm scared, and that's why i begg him not to put to too much pressure on me(like other guys did,when they kept calling me 100 times, or asked me everyday when are we going to meet).Trust me, whe the right time comes it will happen. Of course, that will happen only if you think it worths waiting for me

So..that's what I had on my mind and I've said it.No matter what, at least I feel better already for being 100% onest, and being brave enough to admit that I ain't perfect.



 © 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

...si timpul e sa renuntam la masti...

Da,toata lumea poarta o masca,cel putin una, daca nu cumva mai multe.Chiar daca nu recunosti,chiar daca nu esti constient de asta, si tu porti una.Da,si eu,recunosc.Ba chiar mai mult, stiu ca eu port mai multe masti.  Mereu am jucat diferite roluri, si majoritatea, ca sa le fac altora pe plac, sa fiu ceea ce/si cum isi dorea fiecare sa fiu...
Dar cum nimic nu e vesnic si toate au o limita, poate ca e timpul sa renunt la roluri/masti, poate ca e timpul sa fiu eu si-atat, indiferent ca ceilalti sunt sau nu de acord cu asta. Stiu care vor fi urmarile: cu totii vor fi dezamagiti de mine, imi vor spune ca imi bat joc de viata mea, ca imi ratez sansele, ca fac o prostie, stiu ca se vor uita toti cu privirea aceea la mine spunand "uite-o si pe asta, nu a fost in stare sa faca x si y lucru, si se mai credea desteapta". Nu, nu eu m-am crezut desteapta, voi ati crezut asta despre mine, oricat am insistat eu ca nu sunt, voi m-ati silit sa ma mentin la un anumit nivel ridicat pt a a-mi pastra reputatia de "desteapta". Dar poate ca nu sunt, sau poate ca nu vreau sa fiu.Cel putin nu in sensul in care vreti voi.

Atatia ani am fost un fals , o impostoare, am fost ceea ce m-au vrut sau crezut altii. Atatia ani nu am avut curajul sa fiu eu ,de teama ca voi fi respinsa, sau critica, sau judecata. Dar stai putin, ce fraiera, si voi ce ...ati fi sa ma criticati pentru ca aleg sa fiu EU...pentru ca atata timp cat a fi eu insumi nu inseamna a face rau cuiva, sau mie insumi, nu vad ce motiv ati avea...dimpotriva, a fi eu e cel mai bun, frumos lucru pe care as putea sa il fac...Da, e socant adevaratul meu Eu, pentru ca sunt diferita, pentru ca am valori si idealuri diferite, dar nu uita, diferit nu inseamna prost.... Nu ma critica pentru ca nu vreau sa fac parte din turma, pentru ca eu o iau la stanga atunci cand toti cotesc la dreapta, nu ma judeca pentru ca sunt singurul cerc intr-o lume de patrate...

Am tacut cand vroiam sa vorbesc( pentru a evita dispute), am facut multe lucruri ce nu mi-au placut( pentru a fi acceptata de ceilalti sau placuta) mi-am facut rau singura pentru a fi in rand cu ceilalti...am reprimat fiecare pornire,sentiment, gand, idee, actiune...doar pt a nu iesi din tipar,doar pt a nu-i rani/dezamagii pe altii...Dar toate astea s-au adunat si nu mai au loc, e normal sa simt acum ca explodez....ma simt ca un cos de gunoi in care am permis altora sa-si vare toate mizeriile, ma simt ca un sac de box in care toti au lovit pentru a-si satisface orgoliul...

Sunt multe de spus si din pacate inca nu am curajul sa vorbesc atat de liber sa-ti spun direct motivele si in afara de asta, "You wanna know the truth,but can you handle it?".Crede-ma...ar fi intr-adevar un soc sa afli totul... nu ma cunosti poate decat 10% ...pentru ca am tinut mereu totul in mine....dar ...habar nu ai de nimic....poti sa ma critici cat vrei, sa crezi ce vrei despre mine...eu stiu adevarul...si sunt mai mult decat fericita ca totusi pretul platit nu e atat de mare, consecintele nu sunt atat de grave pe cat ar fi putut sa fie....sunt inca in viata....asta e destul....si pentru asta consider ca sunt puternica, pentru ca nu e zi in care sa nu cad, sa nu fiu tarata prin mocirla, dar mereu gasesc forta necesara sa ma ridic si sa o iau de la capat...

Mda, stiu, tu vei spune ca sunt slaba, vei spune ca nu am ambitie, ca nu duc nimic pana la capat, ca mereu ma razgandesc, mereu ma plang.Dar cine e mai slab, cel care face o gresela, isi da seama de ea dar continua in acelasi fel ca, deh, daca te schimbi prea des ce crede lumea despre tine,sau pur si simplu de teama schimbarii nu fac nimic.Eu spre deosebire de restul, daca vad ca am facut o greseala, incerc sa o indrept indiferent de ce spun altii....Daca azi spun da si maine nu, nu e pt ca as fi schimbatoare si nu stiu ce vreau.In zilele cand spun nu sunt puternica si ma pot impune, pot fi eu insami...in zilele in care spun da, cedez ispitei....Spre deosebire de altii care considera ca daca au cedat o data ispitei, de ce sa nu cedeze zilnic.Spre deosebire de altii eu lupt zilnic cu mine insami pentru a fi asa cum stiu ca trebuie sa fiu, asa cum am eu pretentia sa fiu....

Da,stiu ca probabil nu ai inteles nimic din ce am spus pana acum,dar numai pentru ca tu nu ai inteles nu inseamna ca nu am dreptate,nu inseamna ca ai dreptul sa ma judeci...

De-acum incolo vreau sa fiu eu 100% ....daca lumea e plina de oameni falsi, daca toti urmeaza turma, de ce sa fiu si eu asa?De frica?De ce sa nu am curajul sa fiu diferita?Vreau sa fiu eu chiar daca o sa-i dezamagesc pe toti, chiar daca o sa-i bucur pe cei care abia asteapta sa-mi ia locul,chiar daca o sa las in urma multi asa zisi prieteni care odata ce nu voi mai fi atat de usor de manipulat, se vor da disparuti....Vreau sa fiu cum vreau eu, indiferent ce vrei tu sa fiu....pentru ca o viata am si trebuie sa o traiesc in asa fel incat eu sa fiu multumita de ea...tu ai viata ta, traieste-o cum vrei si nu incerca sa imi impui mie ce sa fac...

Si ce daca nu vreau faima,bani, pozitie sociala, siguranta zilei de maine, o casa o masina, un barbat si un copil? Astea le poate obtine oricine si oricum sunt trecatoare....Eu vreau sa obtin mai mult, vreau lucruri care sa nu fie roase de timp, vreau eternitatea, ma condamni pentru asta?

Si am sa fiu Eu...indiferent ce crezi tu...pentru ca asa cum spunea si Maica Tereza, pana la urma totul e intre mine si Dumnezeu, nu intre mine si tine/voi....



 © 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved