How many times can you screw up things?

Don't know about you, but me....it seems like no matter how many times i played with fire and got burned, i never learn my lesson.What the hell am I talking about?!Of course, like usually, about relationships.

Excuse my language, lately i use a lot the"fuck" word and others related.I guess I've got so much anger  that I can't keep it inside anymore.So what if i like saying a fuck in every sentence?You don't like it?then don't fucking read it :)) 

So ( i also use a lot of  "so" and "well") let's get back to bussiness( i mean back to the subject).

I was watching this morning( i'm still watching it while writing) Dexter(you know, the TV series, not the cartoon) and Dex. with his sis' were talking about  screwing up thing, relationships.So :) I thought about how many times i did that, how  many times I've lost a guy just because ...I think I've become addicted to bad things, pain and  so on...and  when anything good comes in my life, i can't handle it so i find a way to make it leave.

First time i did it it was ...jeeezzz...4 years ago( I don't know why but for me it feels like ages ago) .I did it with N. he was the once in a lifetime love.Love  at first sight.Love from another life.I loved him with my soul not with my hearth.Why did I screw up things with him?Because my mom' said so.Because every one said so.He was the bad guy, I was the good girl(really?)  so i wassupposed to deserve more.Oh,shouldn't forget to mention I also did it out of fear, fear of the things i might do for him, to be with him.(and trust me there was no limitt. I'm not trying to be dramatic but some thing were even worst then death, but I would've  done it,  'cause I've been so used with pain  it comes easily to handle it, rather then i handle pleasure)

Second time it was 3 years ago with M( funny, it was N, now M, the next one should be L, sorry I didn't had a boyfriend with L   :P ).He was ...a different kind of love, more like love from earth, realistic.He was the one who knew about all the crazy shit I've did, but still liked me.He listened to me, tried to help me, to make me happy.He was the first guy I've met who wasn't a jerk.But I am who/what I am, and you kn mow what I said one day? I say neahh, I have so much happiness and perfection that it makes me sick, I'm bored, I pain, I want things to fight with, fight for, to struggle, i wanna cry, i wanna  be sad...

Wtf? Who says something like that?I  must be really crazy....to bad that no one notice that...( It just crossed my mind the I might got that thing with the "fuck" word from Dex's sister...and i really enjoy saying it, it's like a therapy, everytime i get pissed off by something, I say the magic word... Hahah :))       )

Thirth time?Well...you can say it was a few  months ago....with C...I know him since i was in the kindergarden,  so i was 6...and he was 4...ya,younger then me :) . First time we made it as a couple i was 16 and he was almost  14 :D ....we got along pretty well but dahhhh we were to young....what was the thing with him?well, even if he was just a kid and me a growing up girl, he treated me like a lady, he proved to be a real man, despite of his Cassanova reputation.And that was a new thing for me, he made me feel protected.He was the kind of guy that knew how to make a girl want him.The kind of guy i could....take a deep breath...get married with:) yeahhh don't laugh, i'm talking serious....just him saying " i'm gonna make you my wife" turns me on like like..huh...

But like i said...we were to young  so we split without saying anything...just ignoring each other...
The we got back together last year...i never meant to...but somehow i ended up dancing with him...and being in his arms i felt so....high...i knew i still had feelings for him...


Those days it was all over the knews the thing with the particle accelerator, begining/end of the world, black holes...And that's kind of my thing, i know a lot about these stuff so i was playing with people's mind, scaring them that we will day, the end of the world is coming, a big black  hole is gonna swallow  us and so on...and like always when i lie, i end up beliving my own lies...And i was a little sad because i didn't want to die...but...getting back to the subject....so deep were my feelings for him  and so high  that being in his arms i said to myself: "now the black hole can come, i don't care, at least i die happy in his arms" .Isn't this so sweet?Did I really said that, me, the pain liker, is able to be so in love?I don't even wanna think about it....

You probably wonder why we split up the second time if i loved him so much?Well...it was nothing bad about our relationship...maybe that was the problem...we always said that what we have others would die for...because we never argue about anything, we are very understanding with eachother, we make jokes, we have a lot of freedom  each of us...but maybe that was to much to soon.. ..if it was up to ...like i said before, the moment he would've asked me, i would've got married with him 'cause i knew it was love....so maybe we both got scared and needed a break...

Yes, maybe you guessed, this year i got back with him...i didn't want to even if i knew i still had fellingg, but i knew how screwed up  i am, how many problems i have to deal with, there was no place for love in  my life......

But somehow I couldn't resist...i was so happy being again with happy...especially because guys,friends of his who saw me those days said i  became more pretty...so that must have made him proud for me being his girl.....we spent together the new years eve...i got drunk like usually(me  nasty nasty girl, i couldn't help myself from showing them  i'm not such a nice and quiet girl as they thought )...

I felt so good again, so alive,happy, in love...but nothing lasts forever, you know that don't you? so we met a few more times as i was still there at my grandparents...but then when i came back home everything ended..I became more messed up, depresses, problems with my health, with school, with money, with  the house...it was more then i could handle ...i keept  trying to fix me,my life, so i told him we will meet next week, in two weeks and so on...but i couldn't do that anymore, i knew it may take months until i get better so  i did what i always do when i want someone out of my life, i made myself disapper, ignore him, his messages, let him think i dont want him anymore...

It was....It still is so hard to be apart from him...to lie him,them , myself that i don't give a shit about him...when actually i always loved him so much......I don't expect him to belive or understand me...i just hope i will get better as soon as i can..and maybe ....if i can be so good then he would give me, us, another chance....

So....that's my story about how i screw up any good thing that I've got.....
 Pathetic, isn't it ?



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