They're not aware of what they're doing to you

People hurt people.
Nothing new, right?
Let's say it's something that happens, something we're used with. Life is sweet but also bitter. Ain't no fresh news.
But you know what I find really sad? When people you love, that might love you hurt your feelings without even knowing it. It happens once-you ignore it, it happens twice-you tell  them you don't like how they treat you.  Wish the third time they'll know and stop hurting you.  They still don't. But you still hope they will act different one day. Is this an expectation? No, I belive it's you're right to ask for some things. One day you get sick of asking. It's like they don't give you what you need because they think it's unimportant.

Like my mother did. Left me with my grandparents when I was younger, saying it was better for me there at that time. She only wanted the best for me,I know that and can't blame her. But still...that hurt me. Felt rejected. As if she didn't love me. As if I were a bad girl, did something wrong that  made me unworthy of her affection.

Still feel like that. I still feel rejected when people are too busy or too tired for me. When the don't have time for me. Or should I say they won't make time for me? It reminds me of those childhood days.

Wish I wasn't so vulnerable in front of rejection...wish small things wouldn't hurt me that much.
I got rid of my old low self-esteem, I know I'm worthy enough, but I'm still affected by rejection.

You wonder what rejection...well...when you want to be huged, kissed or something like that by the people you love and they push you away from stupid reasons like ..they're tired/busy....how else can you feel if not rejected.  You wonder if they stopped loving you, if you did  something wrong....but you never find out the answer. I mean...seriously, is it so hard do give affection 10-15 minutes? To give 15 minutes of your time to the one you say you love? You're not wasting so much time and there's no real effort. I mean...jeez, is it that hard to kiss, hug, touch someone? Seriously, it's a thing that normally gives you pleasure as well. Or at least, that's how it's supposed to be. If it's not, then....there might be a problem.

I remember what my mom told me once. She was young, let's say in love with my dad, they were a fresh couple so she wanted attention, affection, the same things I want, the same things any woman crave for. You know what he did? He was always tired or busy. Why? No specific reason. Just because he was a man. And man are allowed to refuse a woman's need. Woman on the other hand are supposed to be always willing for anything they want. But that's how my mom got cold. That's how the roles changed. One day he had those needs of affection. But she was sick of waiting, so it was her time to refuse.

Well...I don't know...it's hard to say what you want/need. It's hard to make  a man understand your needs and satisfy them. But I don't think it's impossible. All I know is the place where I don't wanna end up.
You see..that's a big issue. That's the main reason why woman cheat. But I don't wanna be like them. What's the point? I don't wanna satisfy my affection/attention need with someone else. It would only lead to...more issues. I rather be hurt now, be patient even though it's hard and I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. But I'm hopefull it's gonna worth.  Great things never come easily. You can't get what you want unless you ask for it.  And ou can't get it just like that, you gotta wait for the others to be able to offer what you need.

I mean..if me, the understanding one is not able to make things work...then it means love is a bullshit and so is monogamy.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Mananca, roaga-te, iubeste, de Gilbert Elizabeth



Daca mi-a placut sau nu aceasta carte e greu de spus. Initial nu am vrut sa o citesc pe motiv ca e prea comerciala. Apoi din greseala am dat peste cateva pasaje care mi-au atras atentia, in care m-am regasit in intregime, ceea ce m-a determinat sa si cumpar cartea. Ba chiar am renuntat la pantofii pe care planuiam sa ii iau in acea zi pentru a avea bani de carte. Si totusi...mi-a luat vreo doua luni sa o termin. De ce? Nu stiu, poate am vrut sa imi rezervez timp sa diger cu atentie fiecare pagina. Dar si fiindca nu m-a facut curiosa in ciuda faptului ca oarecum mi-a placut. Daca prima parte in special nu mi-a placut deloc, a doua mi s-a parut bunicica, ultima in schimb mi-a placut foarte mult. A fost mai putin previzibila si mi s-a parut extrem de amuzanta. Un adevarat deliciu literar.

O carte care incepe atat de tipic pentru mine, cu  o dorinta in primul paragraf, un "of" inca din al doilea, o prima pagina incarcata cu un munte de autocompatimire dar si saritul dintr-o relatie in alta pe post de terapie  dupa divort, nu avea cum sa nu imi placa. Nu ai cum sa nu simpatizezi cu acest "personaj" feminin care pot spune ca e reprezentativ pentru  multe femei din lume.
Sa spun ca a fost o carte buna, care m-a incantat la nebunie n-as putea. Evident, nici ca a fost proasta. Ceea ce atrage la ea este simplitatea limbajului, sinceritatea confesiunii si faptul ca te poti regasi atat de usor printre randuri fara sa fi neaparat o femeie divortata ce calatoreste in Italia,India si  Indonezia.
Pana acum credeam ca a avea o minte nelinistita e o problema pe care doar eu o am si o urasc. Mi-a placut sa citesc ca si  Liz trecea prin aceeasi situatie:"  Cand ii cer mintii  mele sa stea pe loc, e incredibil cu cataq repeziciune devine (1)  plictisita, (2)  furioasa, (3)  deprimata, (4 ) anxioasa sau (5) toate variantele enumerate.
Ceea ce m-a amuzat teribil e conversatia pe care Liz o are cu mintea sa.( la paginile 147-148). E amuzanta si discutia in sine, dar si faptul ca e inca ceva in care ma regasesc complet  si care credeam ca e doar o ciudatenie de-a mea. Acum vazand ca sunt si altii asemenea, m-am linistit.

O alta idee grozava intalnita in carte e cea despre fericire. Nu demult scriam eu despre fericirea care m-a facut taaare lenesa. Si uite ca acum inalnesc in cartea scrisa de Elizabeth Gilbert aceelasi indemna de a nu ma lasa pe tanjala odata ce am obtinut fericirea: " Fericirea e consecinta propriului efort. Te lupti pentru ea, muncesti pentru ea, insisti, uneori mergi pana la capatul pamantului in cautarea ei.[...]. Iar cand atingi o stare de fericire, nu trebuie niciodata sa lenevesti, sa renunti la a o mentine."

Chiar daca pe alocuri aceasta carte mi s-a parut plictisitoare, in special prima parte, avand in vedere ca nu prea am interese culinare, am dat si peste cateva idei care mi s-au parut absolut geniale si care au facut ca aceasta carte sa merite citita. O astfel de idee ar fi urmatoarea:
"De asta exista ritualurile. Ca oameni, indeplinim ceremonii spirituale  tocmai pentru a ne crea locuri in care sa putem depune cele mai complicate sentimente generate de bucuriile sau traumele prin care trecem , pentru a nu fi nevoiti sa le ducem cu noi tot timpul si sa fim striviti de greutatea lor.Cu totii aveam nevoie de astfel de locuri de pastrare ritualice. Si cred ca daca in cultura din care facem parte lipseste vreunul din ritualurile  de care avem nevoie la un moment dat, oricare dintre noi are dreptul sa-si creeeze propriile lui ceremonii cu ajutorul carora sa treaca peste toate problemele emotionale, inclusiv cu trusa de prim ajutor primita de la vreun instalator poet extrem de generos. Daca investim destula sinceritate in ceremoniile pe care ni le cream singuri, putem fi siguri ca Dumnezeu le va umple cu har. Iata de ce avem nevoie de Dumnezeu."

Un alt concept intalnit in aceasta carte, cu care sunt de acord si pe care ar trebui sa il aiba in vedere oamenii e cel despre legatura dintre sacru si ideea gresita a necesitatii de a renunta la propria individualitate. Multi dintre noi credem ca pentru a atinge o anumita stare, pentru a intra in legatura cu divinitatea e absolut necesar sa renunta la anumite lucruri. La majoritatea lucrurilor materiale, cele care tin de profan. Aceasta renuntare din pacate e mult mai negativa decat cedarea in fata impulsurilor. Odata ce  incepi sa renunti, acest fapt iti creeaza o anumita placere legata de orgoliu, care te duce la dependenta. Astfel incepi sa gasesti in fiecare zi cate un lucru la care sa renunti. Iar aceasta atitudine, in loc sa te duca la vreo stare de nirvana cum crezi tu,  tot ce va genera e o depresie de zile mari. Austeritatea si renuntarea doar de dragul ascetismului nu aduc nici un castig.

Pe langa idei care m-au incantat sau care corespundeau credintelor mele, am intalnit si idei noi, un pic socante. E vorba despre cea de la pagina 283, discutia dintre Liz si Ketut despre rai si iad. Mai multe nu va spun, cititi si voi cartea macar de curiozitate, macar pentru cele cateva concepte extrem de folositoare promovate de cartea  Mananca, roaga-te, iubeste.

La prima vedere cartea e despre lucruri mai banale(pentru unii) sau destul de vehiculate gen mancare, religie, iubire. Adica pare a trata doar niste subiecte la moda. Dar la o analiza mai minutioasa gasim lucruri destul de profunde, sau care sunt tratate pana ce se ajunge la esenta. Mi-a placut mai ales substratul psihologic al acestei carti. De exemplu atunci cand Liz vorbeste despre tendinta ei ( si in general a femeilor) de a vedea intr-un barbat nu doar ceea ce este el in realitate, ci mai degraba potentialul. Ceea ce nu ar fi neaparat un lucru rau, atata timp cat nu am ignora realitatea. Problema e ca femeile sunt prea focusate pe potential asteptand sa fie atins, ceea ce rar se intampla. Si-atunci se trezesc intr-o buna zi ca barbatul de langa ele nu are nici o legatura cu ceea ce isi doreau sau aveau nevoie.

O alta ideea care mi-a placut si m-a pus pe ganduri e cea despre stejar in conceptia budistilor zen: " Ei spun ca stejarul e creat simultan de doua forte. Evident, e vorba de ghinda  din care incepe totul, de samanta in care exista toate promisiunile, tot potentialul arborelui viitor. Oricine poate sa vada asta. Dar sunt putini cei care poate recunoaste cealalta forta- insusi viitorul arbore potential, care isi doreste atat de tare sa existe, incat impinge ghinda spre fiintare si, prin dorul iesirii din spatiul vid, face posibila incoltirea, calauzind evolutia de la stadiul de nimic pana la cel de maturitate. In acest sens, spun budistii zen, stejaurul e cel care creeaza de fapt ghinda din care s-a nascut."

Mai cateva citate:


"Toata durerea si necazurile lumii sunt cauzate de oamenii nefericiti."
"Cateodata sa pierzi echilibrul  din dragoste e dovada ca traiesti perfect echilibrat."
"Nu stiu daca asta inseamna ca sunt o incapatantata care se apara sau una care se autoconserva."
"Cea mai mare piedica pe care a trebuit sa o depasesc a fost, in drumul meu catre aflarea placerii, a fost sentimentul innascut, tipic puritan, de vinovatie. Chiar merit placerea? E si asta o problema tipic americana-incertitudinea legata de castigarea dreptului de a fi fericit?"
"Daca n-am vazut-o venind inseamna ca a fost aici dintotdeauna."
"Cealalta problema pe care o genereaza constantele hoinareli ale mintii e faptul ca ajungi sa nu fii niciodata cu adevarat acolo unde esti. Faci mereu sapaturi in trecut sau cercetezi curios viitorul, dar ti se inatmpla foarte rar sa zabovesti  in prezent."



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Too much is always too much



Well...beside a good thing usually we don't add the modal adverb"too much". Have you ever heard sombody saying he's got too much money, she's too pretty, too famous, to healthy and so on?
I don't think so.
But even good things can be too much sometimes.
Have you ever got angry because guys are too....hitting on you?
You see, I always liked being in the center of attention. I was happy every time someone made me compliments. I belive it's a normal thing. Each girl would like all guys to be crazy about her. So do I.
It's a self-esteem raising thing, so of course it's great. I feel good when I see that sometimes guys around me act like I've put a spell on them.
But I never thought I'd get sick of it. So soon. I mean...I still like it when they give me so much attention.
But these last days it felt like I had too much. Not only because those guys were really not my type. They were like...arrrghh, I don't wanna be mean so I'll say they were just way to old for me. And what the hell? There's no wonder so many guys are still single. They haven't heard of "take it slow". Even if I were single and liked one of them,  I wouldn't fall in their net. They are so...uneducated, they lack in manners, conversation and all. If it would be for them , they'd jump straight to sex. Seriously? What a strange way to pick up girls. I wonder wich girl would be foolish enough to like a guy like this. I mean...I'm really naive but still don't bite their bullshit. I'm disgusted every time I see such a jerk .

Anyway, my point was just that....sometimes some good things get boring, annoying.What used to make you smile, be happy, now makes you sick. Flirting used to be a fun thing, but when man cross some boundaries it's pissing me off.


© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights

Happiness makes you lazy



Have you ever thought at least for a second that happiness might be a bad thing?
Sure, not completly a bad one. I'd be a fool to say that. But beside the obvious good side, happiness comes also with a bad side.
I mean....First, tell me, are you happy? How many people have you ever heard saying they're happy? How many people have you heard not complaining about stuff,  saying they got everything they need?
My answer to my own question would be: NONE. Of course, none except me. Yeah, as hard to believe as it might me, I really am happy. And I'm not saying it today. It's something that has been around for a few months. You know my opinion on happiness. Usually it lasts only one day. But this time it's a long lasting happiness. And it's strange the way it feels.
I mean...I always thought happiness is something  man can't achieve. Or at least something you get and then lose. Happiness it's the end of the road. It's like you reached your goal. Then what? What can you get more then happiness? What's left to do after you get that?
I guess nothing. I mean...at least this is how it feels like when you're happy. Like there's nothing left to be done. You can just sit there in bed and enjoy your happiness. Sounds really lazy, isn't it? Well, that's exactly how happiness makes you. It stops you from doing anything. You say something(unconsciously of course)  like : " Aaarrgghh, I'm happy where I stand, so what's the point of  doing anythingh else?".
I never thought happiness will  make me soooo lazy but that's the truth.  At last I'm aware of this so I can do something about it. And definately I will do something. I'm happy, but I wanna keep this happiness so I have to stop being lazy because lazy people don't deserve to be happy. I was going to say I'll stop being lazy since tomorrow, but then I've realised that's just an excuse. I thought, what then, what can I do today. And the answer is simple:  I'm already doing something. I'm writing. So I stoped being lazy the moment I started to write. You see how easy it is when you want something? You just have to do it, to be active.
It would be a shame to allow happiness go away from me, to let such a good thing turn into something bad.
So happiness can indeed make you lazy. But only if you allow this.



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

The scared ones do brave things

It is said that brave people are actually the most scared ones. I knew it was true about me, but never thought it will be the same  thing with you.
Funny...one of my fears was that you are so scared it will make you stop doing what you planned. I feared that you'll let your fears take over control. I thought they will make you blind, unable to see what you have to win and lose in both situations.
I hated the idea that you might give uo, run away, hide just because you're scared. I've been through this situation before, and that made me unable to trust you complety. I didn't want to suffer again like I did before. I didn't want to let you interfere and take away my dreams, brake me into pices like someone else did before you.
So....I was always on the edge...of doing something stupid and ruin it all. I was so tempted to run away from you before you could to that to me. But I was strong, I took control over my fears. And I was able to stop myself from doing anything stupid.
But you surprised me that you were able to control your fears as well. Is not that you really had any real reason to be scared. But if I were you I would've probably thought about 1000 things that might  go wrong.  But jeeez, you seriously don't have to do that. There's nothing to be scared of being with me. I'm not that evil witch as some might see me. At least...I won't be with you, because you're nothing like the rest and I've got no reason to be mean. Doing anything bad to you, would be like betraying myself, passing over my morals and all the things I believe in.

So...back to my point.  I think you're brave. More then I would've been.  You are far beyond of my expectations. So there's nothing to worry about.
All the things you did already mean alot to me. More that I let you see. And I appreciate them.. You see..I think you  already changed a little, the courage you had to do all these things, the courage you'll have to do more ....that's a sign you're getting tougher. Well ..don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's all because of me. It's not even important the reason behind this.
What matters most is that you conquered your fears, you steped out of your comfort zone. And for that I think you deserve to be more appreciated. I think people should take you as an exmple that it is possible to take control over your  fears.
Hell ya, you are indeed a model. I mean...you made me as well move over my fears and fight for the things I want, for happiness.
You made  lock my fears and be able to fight for you. Fight with my impatience, worries, past, future, peopl, impulses, temptations, stupidy.
So...I admire you for that , for the fact that you not only stand up for me even though you were scared, but you also made me stand up for you despite my fear of getting hurt.
Let's hope, let's do everything possible and impossible to be the same. To control our fears and achieve all the things we want . Let's always be a motivation for each other, and always help each other to be better in everything we do.






© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Good things come to those willing to wait....


In the beginning  I thought happiness is just a myth, something we all crave for, work  our  entire life to achieve, but actually never get. Just an illusion for silly girls to belive in. Then I thought it might be a real thing, but definately something I can't get to, as if I wasn't good enough to get it. Yes, don't laugh, I really belived I don't deserve happiness so I stoped thinking about it. Other times I was sure happy are only the bad people because they do anything to get it,  even when they have to hurt others. I always said something like: "God, why can't I be happy? I do as much good as I can, and almost no harm to other, isn't this enough?".
But  even tough I was sad most of the time, unhappy, I still hoped that the day when I'll be happy will come. I never lost my faith.But I didn't  thought anymore about happpiness.
After I   while I started to feel happy, but it was a rare thing, maybe once a year. And strange, my happiness was always related to love. But the biggest dissapointment was the fact that happiness never lasted more then one day. So the first conclusion was that happiness lasts only one day.
Then I felt it strange to last for so little time. It made me think that maybe that happiness or happiness in general was nothing but an illusion. Not real happiness, but more like an adrenaline rush, wich is so easy to confuse with happiness.
I thought that maybe happiness is like a roller coaster. You do something new, exciting, wich makes your blood run trough you veins as if it's a car race between you blood cells. And you're happy because of the adrenaline. Burt after a while , what was so great before, became bad, so bad that makes you sick.  That's how you feel in roller coasters, don't you? It's the same thing with happiness. First day is always great, but then it makes you wanna leave, thinking what the hell did I got into? Why  can't I feel like the first day?
Well..probably that one day lasting happiness was indeed othing more then a cheap illusion, because you didn't knew the bad side of the thing or person that made you happy.
Lately I was happy more and more, and it lasted every time more then just on day. Maybe I've waited enough, I've been through many things so now I finally deserve happiness. Maybe I had to wait for so long, to go through all kinds of experiences in order to deserve it. If my past had been different , If I had this opportunity, met him soner, I would've passed  by  it and never see it.  I wasn't ready before. I didn't even knew what makes me happy. And more important, until now I wasn't willing to really work to be happy, to keep my happiness. If you don't hold on your happiness it won'
t hold on to you.

So...I was happy, happier then I ever been just because of thinking about it, about our future, our plans. So happy I was that my stomach hurt. So happy that I felt like dancing every time I was thinking about you.  I felt like my happiness just got on a bus and it was on his way to me. So happy I was that I didn't want to sleep just to be sure I won't miss my happiness.
How would you feel when happiness knocked on your door? When you saw it in the same room with you?
Well, I know how it's like, but it was so overwhelming that I can't describe it in words.
My eyes were sparkling because of this happiness. So it's true the eyes are the mirror of a man's soul.
I felt so...as if I died and got in Heaven.
I felt just like Faust, I wanted to say something like :" moment, please stop" . I wihed that moment would've last an eternity. And again, for the second time in my life, I was so happy that I've started to cry.
That's real happines I say, when you're so happy you start crying because you just can't belive it's real, you got it.
Some things are too good to be true, but some are true no matter how hard it might be to believe it. You may think it's just a beautiful dream you'll wake up from one day, You may think it's  too good for you. It may seem unreal, impossible. But that doesn't make it less worthy or less true. If happiness came to you, it's yours, take it, for some reasons, you deserve it. But don't forget to work your ass to keep it. Not many are so lucky  to find it.
Happiness is a rare good thing. And good things only come to those who waited enough. To those that will be able to appreciate it for it's inner values, not the material ones.
Happiness is when you want many things , but what you have now it's enough for you to be satisfied, to be happy.













© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

My teddy bear is a symbol


It was one week ago I think.I was in a shop and suddenly I realised I was lookig at toys. Just me and a 4 year old girl. There's no picture funnier then that.  How could you not laugh seeing me, a blonde, fancy dressed, 20, being interested in toys.
Of course I was just looking, didn't bought any as much as I wanted.  I'm too skimp for that and my budget is too low for my high demands. So, no money left for toys.
But still....every day I went to that shop I also took a shor look at toys. M y eyes were caught by a blue teddy bear.
Sleeping alone, nights felt so lonely...and I wass always feeling the need to be hugged or hug someone. A teddy bear would've been great even if it's not the same thing with a real human. But I had none here. When I went home I thought about taking one from there. But it felt ackward  the idea of sleeping with a teddy bear from an ex boyfriend. But what was I supposed to do, ask for a new one from my boyfriend?No way, no mattter how much I want something I would never dare asking something from him.  Silly, right? At least, that's what people say about me, because I deserve things but never ask for them. But hey, that's me. I never ask for things, I feel bad even when I have to ask something from my parents, I refuse even when my brother wants to buy me something. I don't know why...maybe...because I always give to much, I take to little.

Anyway...days passed by and my thoughts were always running to that teddy bear. Yeah, I know I'm sooo childish for my age(20), Is  that a bad thing?  Mondey it was Saint  Nicholas Day. I hoped my mom will send me money to buy it, because I told her how much I wanted it. But no, I was so sad and disappointed. I was sure that somehow I'll get my blue teddy bear on Mondey, but I was wrong.

So I thought about it alot, about me being unhappy because I've got no teddy bear, because actually noo one made me any present that day. Funny thing, for the first time I think I belived in Saint Nicholas. I mean, in thee morning I woke up  and first thing I did was looking in my boots. But they were empty. It was clear that there was no one to buy me something and put it in my shoes. So what was I expecting? Miracles? Maybe I did....

I asked myself why am I sad. I realised I had expectations from others. I thought I deserve things so I will get them. I thought just  because some people love me, they will think about me, try to make me happy by offering my a small gift on that day. But no, they all acted as if    it was a day like any other.

So the problem were my expectations. I had needs and expected others to take care of them. Yes, they should have done it. But...you see, if I keep doing this I'll make  my life really sad, because people don't pay attention to other's needs so they won't be able to   respond to them.

So...I told myself something like: From now on, when I want, need something I will do my  best  to get it. No maatter what that thing is(a boook, a toy, a ring,  a flower, attention, affection, compliments, admiration, appreciation, fun, happiness, love, money, ).  This way my happiness is in my own hands, my mood depends on me, my satisfaction depend on how able am I to respond to my needs. When it comes about me needs I'm on my own, becausee now I know that no one else will ever  take care of them. And besides that, with this attitude I won't be hurt by people, not expecting them to take care of my neds, I won't be disappointed  when they don't.
.
And that's why today, with all the money I had left I went out and bought that blue teddy bear.  And that made me happy because I was able to satisfy my need on my own. Those who saw my bear asked from whom did I get it, and I told them :" From myself, that's the gift I'm offering to myself. I wanted it, needed it, so instead of waiting for someone to realise that and  buy it for me, I did it."

So my blue teddy bear is not just a toy, my sleep mate. It's more then that, It became a symbol for taking care myself of my need, of not letting my happiness on someone else's hands. Even more then that, my bear is my motivation, Seeing it I will remember to stop having expectations from people, to start beng able to get on my on all the things I want.


P.S.: I like it so much that I keep it by my side even now while I'm writing.
© 2009-2010 (satmaya)  All Rights Reserved

How do you know who's the one?


If you ask a woman this question she will answer something like: "he must do this and that, he must say these things, he must behave like this, he needs to look like this, give me this and that  etc., only then he is the right one" .
Well, girls, if that's what you say no wonder you're still single. Loneliness will be your only mate.
Why?
Because you confuse the right one with the perfect one. The right one is just an illusion. A false image you made up in your mind about how the perfect man would be like. You wanna wait for him, you're not willing to settle for less. But sometimes being so stubborn, refusing to settle for less, you'll end up getting nothing.
You should be looking for the right one. The one who can satisfy your needs. For him, who is your perfect match.  How can you know wich one is him?
Well, there's plenty information on the web about this. Just google for something like "signs that he's the right one". I checked them myself and I pretty much agree with all those signs. I mean,  you can rely on them most of the time. But don't forget to trust your intuition as well. And  besides that, expect that  you might be wrong,  he may seem the right one now, but in tine he will prove to  be only another guy, definately not the right one.
So, thats why I advise you to do something else. Something I did.  Beside those signs, find your own based on your previous relationships. Think about those that you loved in the past, what made you love them?what  was different about them from the others? Take the things that you find when you answer these questions and combine them with the answers from the questions: "what makes you happy? what do you value most between money, social status, love, beauty, intelligence etc? How would you like him to prove his love? How important is you sexual  relationship with him? Can you be yourself around him? Do you share the same values with him? How  many  things you have in common?Is he making future plans in wich he includes you?
Well..these are some questions that might help you know if he's the one you need, the right one.

I have my own signs, a little bit different then the ones above.
For me it's quite simple, only those who prove to be an inspiration for me are worthy enough to get in the "right one" category. That's kind of a must. Only one of my ex-boyfriends was such an inspiration for me that he made me write a book with his name as title.  But that river ran dry. And only the one I'm with now is a daily inspiration for me.

How smart he is matters a lot for me. Otherwise I will feel like I'm talking in chinese with him. I will have nothing to talk about witth him. I mean...I need someone to understand at least the minimum when I talk about psychology, spirituality and so on. Or at least to be willing to listen, to try to understand, to learn.
Someone who likes reading would be a really great mate for me. I only know 2 guys that like reading. So they're rare.
A must is  for me to feel comfortable with him. To be able to reveal my trueself to him. To give up on wearing masks. To show him the naked truth of what I am, even the  bad sides.
A relationship wich started with a friendship is a good sign. It means between us, there's more then sexual attraction. And that makes the relationship last longer. That also means we talk about anything.
When he makes me do things I never thought I will, like things I used to dislike.
When I can see myself with him even in ten years, when I'd like to build a family with him.
When we're alike.
When he makes me better and I make him better, when we can develop together.

But usually it's enough to look into his eyes and I'll know if he's the right one. Because one thing I'm great at is reading someone's mind and soul, simply by looking in his eyes.


P.S: Maybe I seem demanding, maybe the right one for me seem like a fantasy, but it's not. I mean...I already found someone who is all these things, so it's not impossible.

But beware! Just the fact that someone is the right one for you it doesn't make it easier, it's not a guarantee that you'll stay with him forever.  No matter how great you are for each other, even if you'd be soul mates, you still need to work for your relationship.  Good things don't come easily.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Rseerved

Losing something you were sure of



Have you ever lost something you were sure of?
You ever asked yourself why did that happen?
It's so clear that everyone's too blind to see it.

You lost things because you took them for granted. How foolish of us to do that. And we wonder why our life's so miserable. We're dumb dumb dumb. We wish many things, but we never actually do something  to get them. We sit there in bed looking at the walls, on the window and so on, and wait for something to happen, we wait for miracles. That's why we're unhappy, that's why we always fail.

Some actually get the things they want. Because they worked hard to get them, they deserve. Or maybe it's just fool's luck. But still, even if  achieve something, most of us will soon lose it.

Why? Exactly why I said before, because we take it for granted. When we have something ( a job, a hot body, a great relationship) we act very irrational. We suppose that only because it's ours, we actually possess it. No, that's wrong, you can only possess objects( not even those sometimes), but not people, feelings and other things.
To keep something it's not enough to have it, you gotta work your ass for it, gotta prove every day that you deserve it. Great things go to hardworking people, not to losers.

We lose things because we just let them be, we think they'll stay by themself next to us, in our life. We lose them because once we get them we lose our enthusiam  and we ignore them. Even a cat if you ignore, it will  find someone else to show her love. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, my cat always does that.

We lose them because we focuse our attention on something else. We take our eyes from them, and wonder after a while, why they dissapeared.

We lose them because we lose control. We're too happy that we've got something, so we usually forget to do something to keep them.
What you have won't be yours if you're not wiling to do your best to keep it.

It might scare you this idea, that you have to work everyday to keep something in your life. What did you thought? How many people did you know happy, with great bodies, well paid jobs, in healthy happy relationships? Why do you think these people are just a few? Because the others do nothing to get what they want, nothing to keep what they have. They lose their time dreaming about the future, making plans of how it will be their lovely house, how great they will feel. They forget you need materials to build a house. If you get materials but you let them outside in the rain, they may be damaged by the raindrops, thieves might  steal them. Being busy dreaming, plannig what you'll do with them, you'll be blind and won't see them when they're gone. When you'll be finished with daydreaming you'll realise you're dream is finished too, because you lost what you needed to build that dream.

Women starve themselves, excercise until they're exhausted till the point they get the body they always dreamed about. And once they get it, they do nothing to keep it. They think they're good looking now so there's no point to keep exercising. Then, after a while, they start eating junks again. And without noticing they will get to the point they started. In the same miserable condition. No cry will bring back what they've lost. Being sorry won't help either.

Happiness  is the same. You can become happy but you gotta do something everyday to keep that state. Happiness does not exist by itself, you're the one who can produce it. And if you're not happy, ask you're self why, what do you need to be happy? Do the things you need to do in order to be happy. But do them now, even tomorrow is too late. Tomorrow is the same thing with never. So the things you plann to do starting tomorrow, it's more likely you will never do them.

You probably wonder why I wrote this. You think it's because of you. But don't get the wrong idea. This is not supposed to be a threat, I'm not that mean. It's more like..well, you can take it as an advice, not in a particular situation, but for life generally.

And besides that, it's because of me. Because I've noticed a change in my mood lately. I'm not as happy as I used to be one or two months ago. My life is not going as well as it used to be. And who's fault is it? Jeeez, don't dare thinking it's your fault. It's only mine. It's my fault that I've lost control of my life. I let myself taken by the waves even if they bumped me into rocks or drowned me. I was happy, to happy to be able to do something. I never tought it could be possible to exist something like that, a happiness wich can be dangerous, that paralyze you and makes you lose everything. So I guess not even happines is good when it's too much.

I was so happy about all the improvements I've made, about all the things that changed in a better way, all the things that I always wanted and finnaly got...so happy that I forgot to keep them. I forgot to do something so they'll be mine further.  Now I feel a little bit unhappy because I realise I'm on my way to lose everything I've worked so hard to get.

But you see, lucky me, I've find out why am I unhappy and now I can be more careful. Now I know it's a damaging attitude to take things for granted. Now I know that if I really want something, if that thing or person is what I need to be happy, I will fight for it to get it, and work hard every day to keep it in my life.

I guess we all saw how a dog keeps a bone in his mouth. Have you ever tried to take his bone? Have you ever succeded? You saw how hard he's holding the bone with his teeth? How he growls when someone gets too close? That's the right attitude. When you wanna keep something you must hold on it with your teeth. You must not let anyone or anything steal what you have/like/love.

Of course it's the same thing in relationships. Mostly men does this mistake. They think it's enough that a woman is their girlfriend. They think she will stick with them forever just because she loves them. ( maybe some women will stick with their men just for love, but do you think a woman like her can be happy?is that what you want, a girlfriend, wife who's life will be empty because you do nothing for her?). It happened to me before, a boy I used to love a lot was surprised when I left him, surprised seeing me with someone else after an year. He probably thought that just because I loved him, I will spend the rest of my life alone. He's sorry now, he apologised, he'd leave his girlfriend for me anytime, but it's too late. He had me and all the things I did for him, but he wasn't able to appreciate, to give anything in return no matter how many times I explained him that his attitude is hurting me, no matter how many ways I've tried, how long I've been patient with him. So, despite of my strong feeling for him, of our long history, I had to leave him, because even if I was happy sometimes, it was a harmful relationship for me.

Men never prove their love. They say something like :"what, isn't the fact the I'm with you a proof that I love you?". It may be for them, but women need proofs day by day. Men say "I love you"  once and think it's enough for the rest of their lifes. That's why they always lose the woman they love. That's why women cheats. (What, did you thought we cheat for sex?No, we always do it for affection and attention, for the things you stoped offering once you took us for granted. We do it because we need someone to remind us how beautiful we are, how lucky he is to have such a woman, because we need to feel loved, wanted, appreciated for the things we do, because we need to hear lovely words, for a hug, a touch wich is done from love, not obligation. These are the things you should've done to keep us by your side, to keep us faithful. Is it that hard? It doesn't cost you anything, It doesn't take to much time, it's not hard/complicated, we don't expect you to be  a pro, we just wanna see you try.)

Yes, I now it sounds scary for men, it sound like women are too demanding. But that's the way it is. We have different needs. For us it's very important to recieve affection/attention. And trust me, it's not that hard to do it once you get used with it. Besides that, don't you think we deserve that much? Think about all the things we do for you, we will  do. Who's gonna wash your socks, cook for you, clean after you, who will go through pain to carry and gave birth to your child? Who's gonna multitask ( take care of you, of the house, of the kids, go to work) while the only thing you'll do is go to work? Who's gonna make you feel a man, raise your confidence, make you strong, carry on your name and genes. A SHE is the one you'll do all these things. She will love and she will prove it by words, by gestures of affection, facts. Why can't you do the same thing?

Does it really seem that hard? In a relationship it takes two to make it work. Don't let all the work on her shoulders. She will try because she's strong and self-sacrifice is in her nature. But it will be hard for her, she will suffer and feel like she's still on her own even though she's with you.  But one day she will fail. Can you ride a bike when only one wheel is spinnig? No, you can't. And so you can't make a relationship work if only one is trying.






P.S: If you don't like what I've said, feel free to tell me, or just ignore it, consider these are just words about general things. Like I said before, it's not a threat. It's just what I  think and what I feel. And I felt the need to share it with you this way. I don't want to repress it because this way, one day, it will turn into a real fight. No matter what I say, how I feel, how hard it is, what you do or won't do, I won't give up. I'm just like that dog. I have the "bone" I want so I'm going to hold on it with my teeth.






© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

What's on your wishlist?

In the morning I had the "feel like doing nothing" mood. So I was just surfing on the web searching nothing in particulary.
That's how I ended up on this site: http://www.makemehappy.ro

I found it interesting. It's a great idea to keep an online wishlist. I think everyone finds himself in trouble when he needs to buy a present for someone but he has no clues what could the other person like.
I almost never liked the gifts I've got. Ok, don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the gesture, but if you really wanna make me happy, then buy me something I like not all kinds of expensive craps. Yes, you read it well, because that's what I usually get.
 People spend a lot of money to buy me things I don't like or need. And trust me, it's easier and cheaper to buy the things I like. I don't understand why people don't get it.
I don't understand  how my family, who's been next to me for 20 years, has no idea what I like. Friends neither. Jeeez, are you blind? What do you see me doing everyday? Yeah, you see, you knew it. You see me reading.  Then what's so fuckin' hard to get to the conclusion that a book would be the best thing for me. It doesn't even matter what kind of book, just go and buy the most ugly and cheap book you'll find and I'll be happier then I'd be if you''ll come to me with chocolate and flowers and an ugly, thiny(almost invisible) but expensive neckless.

Is it now more clear? Hope my mom reads this. :) And all the others who are stressed about what the hell should they get me for Christmas. Lil' cousin, that's for you to read  as well.

So, back to the site. I loved the idea of making a list but...what do you think happened when I had to start putting something on the list? I had no idea what to write. I mean...I thought for about 20 minutes what do I want, what do I need and still...nothing.
Can it be true? I really don't want, don't need anything?( I mean material things, objects).
It made me curious, made me wonder...
If there's nothing I want or need, it means I kind of have everything I want/need.
So...if not happy, I should be at least pleased with the things I posses.
I never realised this before, that I really have kind of everything I want. Could it be just because I tend to be modest? I mean...I don't need fancy cloths, expensive jewelery, all sorts of gadgets etc.
Or maybe it's because I always know how to get anything I want? Because all my wishes come true...
Anyway....the conclusion would be that ...all these being said, I have many things to be grateful for.

P.S.: Of course I've put some things on my wishlist, not so much for the others, as for me, because I like to spoil myself from time to time, to make gifts to myself on special events, mostly when I know others won't . Nothing fancy on the list, of course, just some helpful books and some cheap but nice "jewelery".

By the way, you should really try this site,  make a wish list, maybe someone wants to give you a gift, but  he or she doesn't really know what should it be.
So make a wishlist and share it with your friends on facebook.



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Unde e 1 Decembrie?


A fost 1 Decembrie.
Ei si? vor spune sau au spus deja multi.
Eu n-am sa incep asa. Mergand pe strad ieri ma uitam in jur si ma intrebam :Unde-i ziua de 1 Decembrie? In afara de cateva steaguri fluturande n-am vazut mare lucru. Doar multe vorbe goale la TV, fals patriotism sau ura nejustificata a unora impotriva propriului neam.

Nu sunt fan Vadim Tudor, dar ceva mi-a placut din ce-a spus. Mi-a placut cand s-a legat de cei care cred ca patriotismul e demodat.
Ce-i drept, n-avem motive nici sa ne umfla in pene, ca nu suntem chiar asa grozavi, dar nici sa incepem sa ne bate joc de propriul neam nu e frumos/corect. E bine sa nu cadem in extreme. Sa avem o atitudine mai de mijloc, sa ne gandim ca totusi, putea fi si mai rau. Macar pentru asta sa fim recunoscatori.

Ce ma enerveaza cel mai  tare si nu pot sa inteleg, e atitudinea unora care arunca cu generozitate tot felul de replici acide, ironice la adresa Romaniei, a romanilor. Pe acestia ii intreb : " te iei te romani, dar tu ce esti, ungur?" sau  le-as spune: " Critici gloata, o treci prin toate apelativele vulgare posibile, dar uiti  ca si tu faci parte din ea. E ca si cum ti-am spala rufele in public, ca si cum ai incepe sa dai declaratii in presa despre cat de usuratica e maicata' sau cat de putoare e taicatu'" . Pai asa ai ajuns? Daca tu, mare demagog ai ajuns in halul asta, crezi ca ai dreptul sa ii critici pe altii?" .

Si-ti mai spun, adica te intreb ceva: " Daca tot arunci cu noroi in tara ta, in neamul tau, daca noi suntem un neam de imbecili si lenesi si cum altfel ne mai numesti, daca nimic nu merge bine aici, atunci, spune-mi tu desteptule(sau desteapto) ce mai cauti aici in Romania printre noi? De ce nu ai plecat inca  in tari straine unde cainii umbla cu covrigi in coada? "

Sa-ti spun eu de ce? Ca nu esti cu nimic mai bun ca restul. Ca nu e totul asa negru cum pare. Te poti descurca la fel de bine oriunde daca ai un pic de minte si ambitie.

Nu-ti impune nimeni sa fi madru ca esti roman. Dar numai pentru ca nu poti fi mandru, nu inseamna ca trebuie sa-ti fie rusine, sau ca trebuie sa te revolti. Nu ne alegem tara, neamul in sanul caruia ne nastem. Patria e ca familia, nu noi o alegem, nu suntem niciodata multumiti de ea, am vrea uneori sa o schimbam, sa ne fi nascut in alta. Dar...asta este, trebuie sa o respectam , sa o acceptam asa cum e ca e a noastra, alta nu avem. Poate ca nici  tara nu e mandra de noi si totusi  nu ne da afara de pe teritoriul ei.




© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Inapoi in mahala?

Am impresia ca s-a intors lumea pe dos. Nimic nu mai e cum era. S-au schimbat valorile, s-a schimbat lumea. Barbatii si femeile au facut schimb de roluri intre ei.Tot mai multi barbati devin niste metrosexuali intretinuti. Vorbesc serios. Barbatii pe care ii stiu se aranjeaza mai mult decat iubitele lor. Cunosc mai multi barbati intretinuti decat femei intretinute.

Cat despre femei, acestea uita cu desavarsire ce inseamna sa fi femeie.
Pai ce femeie-i aia care injura ca la "usa" cortului? Care dupa fiecare propozitie baga si cate-un "p*** mea" de parca ar avea una. Eu le spun femei vulgare, mahalagioaice, voi? Nu-i nevoie sa-mi raspunzi. Vad tot mai multi barbati carora le plac astfel de femei, ei le numesc afurisite doar. Ce termen bland pentru a numi o femeie care mai degraba ar trebui sa-ti starneasca repulsie. Dar ce sa fac...a luat-o lumea razna, va plac artagoasele, mofturoasele, increzutele, guralivele, egoistele...ca deh, ziceti voi : " Ele sunt femei care au incredere in ele, nu se lasa calcate in picioare, stiu ce vor de la viata, stiu cum sa isi apere interesele" .
Serios?
Pai ce, ai impresia ca una generoasa, calma, ceva mai modesta, tacuta, nepretentioasa, e cu ceva mai proasta ca ele? Sau ca nu stie ce vrea de la viata, ca nu va obtine ce isi propune?
Daca ai astfel de impresii(gresite), nu pot sa-ti spun decat ca-mi pare rau de tine. Stii de ce? Pentru ca tu iti vei alege o nevasta de genul asta, afurisita(cum o numesti tu) crezand ca viata cu ea va fi mai "faina, distractiva, necomplicata". Dar in vreo 5 ani ai sa-ti smulgi parul din cap. O sa iti vina sa iti dai palme pentru alegerea facuta. Va veni ziua in care nu-i vei mai suporta toanele, in care te vei simti sufocat de toate "calitatile" alea pe care le-ai apreciat la ea.
Te vei uita in ograda vecinului, la nevasta prietenului tau si vei fi surprins de cat de bine o duce el cu femeia aia tacuta care tie ti se parea plictisitoare. Lui ii tihneste mancarea, ca ea o face cu drag, tie-ti va sta in gat felia de pizza de aseara pe care a ta nevasta ti-a supraincalzit-o la microunde.
Dar a fost alegerea ta...
Asta se intampla cand femeile uita ce inseamna sa fi femeie, cand barbatii apreciaza vulgaritatea in loc de feminitate.
In casa prietenului tau va domni linistea, in a ta...te vei simti ca intr-o mahala.
Sa nu te plangi. Ca tu ai ales asa...

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

When home doesn't feel like home anymore



You see the picture on the left side? How do you feel about it? How do you think the little girls feel like?
Can you hear her prayer, her need to be loved, to find a home?
It's like every inch of her screams something like:"Please, take me home and love me, and I'll promise I'll be a good girl."

I wonder, what do you call home? Is is the place you were borned? Where you grew up? Where you spend most of the time now? Is it the place where your family lives? Home for you is it a house or a city?

And then, tell me what would you do if one day, what you used to call home, doesn't feel like home anymore.

I'm back to where I used to have a home. But it doesn't feel like that anymore. I feel as if I'm visiting the ruins of something wich was once great. I see many people, some familiar faces, places where I used to hang around or pass by every day. But I feel like everything's empty here. Many people, but still, you can smell loneliness in the air. Sad people, with broken dreams. Tired after a hardworking day. Sad when they should be celebrating, be grateful for everything they have.

I'm back in the city where I was borned, where I grew up. But I can't go back to my apartment. I don't live there anymore.  There are strangers sitting at my window, sleeping in my bed, taking a bath in the bathroom I liked so much. I must go to a different home, among strangers with smiling face on the surface and bad intentions. People I don't like, people I have nothing in common with.

I'm home, but this is not my home. It's just my mom's home. I'm just passing by...
Every time I come back here, I like it less and less and realise I don't wanna come back, I wish I could stay away from this place. It's depressing. It makes me fall into old patterns. That's something I won't accept.  I just wanna be happy, be pleased with myself, and the only way to achieve that is to stay away from this place. For me it's like a place filled with darkness. It makes my light weak. It makes me scared, insecure, anxious.

So...this is not my home.
That means...Now I'm homeless.

For me home is not a place. Home is...where I'm happy. Home is the place where nothing else matters, where I can sneak in bed under a blanket and feel content.
I think...home is a person. Home is the one who takes away all of your worries simply by being next to you. Home is he who makes me happy just by letting me rest my head on his his chest. Home is he who makes me feel safe simply by holding me in his arms. Home is he who's able to feed me with his love.With him I'd feel like home, happy, even if we were so poor that we would've been forced to split a slice of bread, even if we had to sleep under a tree.

Home is not a place where you body feels comfortable.
Home is the person your heart finds peace with.





© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Friends come and leave...



I've heard many people saying they will never give up on their friends for the one they're  in a relationship with. They say friends were there before, that friends stay with them but their lover might leave anytime.

I totally disagree. Firstly, I think friends are not as important as the one you love. I would give up on all of my friends for the right one. Why? Because friends are just friends, I'll spend with them not more then a few hours daily.  If I move to another city, will they come with me? No, they won't. But a boyfriend might, a husband definately will. So, based on this, tell me, who's the most important? You  will spend with your lover  most of the day, he's the one you go to bed with, he's the one you'll call family, he will be the father of your kids. So again, tell, can you dare telling me friends are more important then him?

Then...it's wrong to think that friends are forever. No matter how strong is your friendship with someone, there are more chances for your friendship to end, then for you relationship to end.  I'm sorry, It will sound very mean what I'm about to say, but it's my honest opinion and I'm really sorry if I hurt anyone's feeling. I think that friends are just two similar people, or just 2 people in need, that find support in each other. And one thing that I've noticed is that once you change yourself, you change your friends, because you have nothing in common with them anymore. A huge space appears between you and them, there's a silence you can't fill anymore. You have to move on over them. Yes you're grateful for the things they did for you, for all the lovely memories, but that's all. When it has to end, there's no point of keep trying to mentain something like this.

Am I wrong?
I'm saying this thinking about a recent event.
Just a few days ago I was visiting my grandparents, in the village where I've spent most of my childhood.
In the evening I went out with my 14 years old cousin. We sat on a bench, in a kid's park.
After a while many other kids, teenagers came there. Among  them, there were 2 of my childhood's best friends. Two boys. Don't be surprised that my best friends were boys, I've said before, I was always something like....rather a tomboy. Since...ever, I guess, at least since I remember, something around 6 years. Since that age I prefered boy's company.

So, these two guys I'm talking about, R. and S. were my best friends. We used to play together in the morning, in the kindergarten. And then in the afternoon we usually played home , at them. It's funny, because they had a sister, and a cousin(girl), but I never played with them, I enjoyed more staying and playing with boys.

My familiy used to  tease me about playing with them, not only back in those days, but for many years after I grew up. They always said we were more then just friends(me and those 2 boys). They always asked questions with irony, like :" Whare are you two(three) doing there in the backyard?".

Anyway...I won't give more details. It's not important. The only thing I was trying to prove is that they used to be my best friends. They were important for me. I've got plenty of nice memories with them.
Over the years distance came between us. I started school, went back to the city and stopped talking to them. Was it my fault,  I did it because I was now a city girl and they were just country boys? I don't think so, I hope not. Maybe that's how they saw me, as someone to goog for them. The only think that remained between us was a shy "Hy" .  Such a shame, when you think we were best friends.
So...this time I've started to talk with them, after 14 years of mostly silence, and a few "hy".
I asked them a lot of querstion like "why do we never talk, only greet each other" , " do you remember how we used to play, when I was at your place.."

What do you think?
On the first question they said that they didn't dare talking to me. That's all, no matter how much I insisted, they refused to give me  more details. They were so shy around me. I'm aware of the many differences between me and them, but even if I were a princess and them them the servants, that shouldn't stop them...I mean, jeeeez, we used to be best friends guys, what the hell happened ?

The sad thing is what they answered on the other question. They didn't even remember we went to the same kindergarten. They forgot about our friendship. They had no memories about the wonderful days we spent together. I was not a part of their past.

That's why I say friends are not forever. How can someone forget memories wich are so clear for me? How can they totally forget me being their friend?

Because time passes,  people change, past becomes more and more clouded....many things are forgot no matter how great they were...

That's why I don't value friends more then lovers.

In time friends become strangers with familiar faces.



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Asteptari. TU vs. EI



Un articol scris cu gandul la cei care m-au impovarat cu asteptarile lor, dar si(mai rar) la cei carora ar trebui sa le multumesc ca au avut asteptari atat de mari de la mine(ajutandu-ma sa evoluez):





Aşteptări. Tu vs. Ei.
 
 
 Toţi avem aşteptări. Pentru munca bine făcută aşteptăm ca şeful să ne promoveze sau să ne mărească salariul. Dacă ajutăm pe cineva avem pretenţia ca şi noi să fim ajutaţi când avem nevoie. Dacă îi facem pe plac iubitului mereu, ne aşteptăm ca acesta să ne răspundă în acelaşi fel. Dacă suntem buni şi generoşi aşteptăm ca Dumnezeu să ne bage norocul în traistă. 
Restul articolului il poti citi aici:http://motivonti.ro/asteptari-tu-vs-ei.html


© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

What's your religion?

"Let this be the criterion always: Anything that makes you festive, anything that gives you celebration, anything that makes you dance and sing to such an extent that you disappear in your dancing, in your singing, in your celebration... is the only true religion I know of." Osho
Reading this I thought about myself and asked: "What makes me sing, dance, feel like I'm one with the song, the dance...with the feeling?" 
The answer was: LOVE.
So I guess love is my religion, the only religion I know.
But it's not something new for me, I always knew it. If I remember well, actually it was yesterday that I wrote something like this, that the only practice/religion I fallow is the one of LOVE.
What does it mean the religion of Love?
I have no idea what does it really mean, for others. For me it means something like "do everything with love, love everyone but also yourself, love the good and the bad, the beauty and the ugly, the smart and the truth."
Something like that. It's hard to explain, because it's not something you see, it's more like a feeling, an attitude, a way of living your life."
From love you can create everything.
Love is the religion that will never ask you for money, demands you, judge you, punish you.It's a religion of tolerance.
Love is a religion for everyone.
Love makes me dance, so love is the only religion I know and follow.
What's your religion?




© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Let go...


What you can't have, leave it and you will.
You belive in this?I do. Of course, you will get it only if it is the right thing for you.
Does it ever happened to you, no matter how many times you tried, how hard you've worked to get something, you still failed?
Stop doing anything! Let go! Take a break! Pretend you give up!
Of course I'm not telling you to really let it go. Just to pretend. You'll find one day the answer, why I'm telling you this.
There's a really great book where you can see ilustrated the concept I'm talking about. It's actually the book wich made me rethink my way of action, my entire life, it made me ask myself many questions. The book it's called Siddhartha, and it's wrote by Hermann Hesse.
What is it about you probably wonder, right?
Well...let's say it's about a man who's searching for his path, trying to find his destiny. He tries this through different methods, religion, with different masters. Only in the end after trying everything he realised that no matter what path you follow, you're still gonna end up in the same place. There's only one destination and thousands of ways to get there. Some are short, some longer, easy or hard, common or unwalked but it doesn't matter, you will still get there. No matter what you do or how you do it, you can't be something else then what you're meant to be.
I hope you get my point. That's what I was trying to say in the first place.

I belived in many things, always knew what I wanna be, and I tried different ways to get there just like the man in the book. I looked like a weirdo always changing my mind. I tried different kinds of things, belived in them and practiced. But no kundalini, hatha , oshawa, sufi, shamanic, raw, wicca, chakra  and so one practice showed me the way. I still haven't found what I was looking for, still wasn't what I tried to be, what I knew I can be.

But one day I was bored, actually sick of every single practice so I let them go..I stop trying to be something, I rather tried to empy my mind from all these "craps" . I was/become just me.

Ok, if you can't accept the idea that doing nothing I've got so much in the end, then...let's say it's because of the..more like an ascetic life I've lived for a few months. Isolated.

I was kind of dissapointed, I though  I failed, distroyed everything I had....but then....when I got back to "society"... I saw the effect of the "letting go" I did. All the things I didn't get when I was trying so hard, I got them after leting go. Now I'm on the right path again. And without any practice. Or maybe...I do practice something. What is it you wanna ask, right? Well, I'm not sure it does matter. It's not a practice/method I've learned, It's one that I discovered by myself. I call it sometimes the method of "love ".
You should do the same thing, find your own path, your own method.
But until then...let go...let go of all the things you've learned, the paths you've followed.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying they're useless. They are good, the help you in many ways, but they won't get you to the final destination.
Also don't ignore them. First you gotta learn them all, try them, belive them...but then, it comes a day when you gotta let go, move on. Take a break, be nothing but who you are. And then...you'll see you will find you're where you should be,
'Till then....let go!



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

What would you do for happiness


I wonder....what price are you willing to pay for happiness. What if it's gonna last only one day or a few days, would you pay the same price? What sacrifices are you willing to do to get it, what would you give up on for happiness?

I always said it's not worth it, for a few moments of happiness, to turn you world upside down.
But I changed my mind.

 Everybody gets happy once in a while. But you never know for how long will it last. You always live being afraid the next day could be the last day of your happiness. You ask yourself many questions. You wonder how will you be able to handle with the loss of it. You start doubting it was a good choice, maybe you start to regret all the things you've lost because of those happy moments.
Maybe you get to a point where you say you wish you could go back, make a different choice, give up on that short lasting happiness, but instead achieve all the other things you gave up on the first time.

Is that what you think?That happiness is not worth the price if it's temporary.
First, let me tell you that no happiness lasts forever, so forget about this idea.

Then...what makes you think that happiness is worthless when it's not long lasting, that it's value has anything to do with the period of time that it lasts?
If you somehow set your mind on this kind of ideas, you'd better give up on them.
Even a few hours of happiness have more value then anything else.

We make a really huge mistake. I used to do it too until now. We think happiness is just happiness, when it's gone, all we're left with is pain.
But no, you see...moments of happiness changes us in unknown ways. Shapes our destiny. Just a few hours, days of happiness makes us more confident, raise our self-esteem, change the way we think, act. Those happy moments makes us rethink our life principles, our goals.

Me for example, I used to be the type for whom career, independence were priorities .But no more, I see now that life without love is nothing, it's just a shadow of what it could be. So love got on the first place.

Moments of happiness helps you know yourself better, discover what you really want or need, what's fit for you, what really make you feel happy.
Happiness makes you more brave, makes you dare walking on new paths, unknown ones.
Happiness changes you, makes you better, makes you evolve in all ways.
Yes you do suffer if you loose it, you do fell apart but then you move on, you move on a changed person.
I do it too, sufer, find it hard to move on,

I wish this happiness I felt 4 days would last forever. But it's not all up to me. It's up to him as well. It's up to..what it's meant to be. But even if it won't, even if I'll suffer, fell hurt like hell....sooner or later I will move on and I will be grateful for what it was as long as it was. Because feeling happy 4 days, 24/24...it's a big deal. And nothing else matters, what I've lost, what I will...it worths the price.  It was that kind of happiness I have no words proper to describe it. It wasn't anything special that I did, or he did/said. It was more a happiness triggered by something internal, unseen. Like...when you feel like home, fullfill your destiny, meet your soulmate. A feeling like I'm complete for the first time. Like...he filled all the empty spaces from my heart. I felt like ...I was an incomplete puzzle  and he the missing piece that I've lost and now found.

It's not that hard to be happy if you're able to see what's right for you. It's not difficult to make someone happy if you know what he wants, likes and if you care about him enough to make his wish come true.
I give you happiness, you want it? It's for free. But will you price it ? Will you keep it?

So fight for happy moments, pay the price, take risks, bet everything on it, be brave and embrace your other half. Be happy, you deserve it!



© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

They talk talk talk, but they have no idea

Jeez, I hate these people. It's like they never looked into a mirror, they can't see themselves, their life. They act like they have plenty of free time and nothing to do with it, but to be interested in my life. They act  like it's their job to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. They just don't realise how annoying they are and they wonder "why do I have no friends?".
They all treat me like I'd need their advices, like I'm not aware of the difference between right and wrong. As if...if I do one thing or another it will affect them. As if they're the ones feeding me and giving me a bed to sleep in...
They criticise me for my choices and behaviour.As long as I'm happy I don't think I did something wrong. They judge me for my fact but they never ask me why I did them. They say I am imature, iresponsable, irational but they don't know me at all  to have that right.
So what if I don't care about those so called important things? I know wich one my future stands in. And it's all about the things I do naturally,with passion I'm not willing to invest time and effort in something I don't like, something I belive it's useless. ..
Do you think anyone knows me better then I do? Knows what I can, what I like, what I need...
So if I'm the one who knows me better, then, I'm also the one who knows what's best for me.
So shut the fuck up and mind your own bussiness!







© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

De ce oamenii inteligenti iau decizii proaste?


Cum poate cineva inteligent să vorbească asemenea prostii, să facă asemenea greşeli, să ia decizii proaste, să facă lucruri iraţionale? Nu ţi-ai pus niciodată această întrebare? Eu da, şi probabil că şi tu, ori în legătură cu alţii, ori strict în ceea ce te priveşte. Şi totuşi, care să fie răspunsul?
Există un set de abilităţi cognitive pe care le numim inteligenţă. Dar asta nu are nici o legătură cu comportamentul inteligent din lumea reală. Doar inteligenţa în sine nu îţi poate garanta un comportament raţional, iar lipsa acestuia va da naştere unor greşeli. De aceea oamenii inteligenţi pot face asemena lucruri stupide, pentru că inteligenţa şi raţiunea sunt două lucruri distincte.
Restul articolului scris de mine il puteti citi pe Motivonti aici : http://motivonti.ro/de-ce-oamenii-inteligenti-iau-decizii-proaste.html



Read more: De ce oamenii inteligenţi iau decizii proaste? | Motivonti
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© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Maya can't be hurt


It was morning, something around six o'clock, and it was very very dark outside. I packed my things in a hurry and left earlier then I actually planned. Instead of taking a bus or something I dared to walk on foot. The train station wasn't so far but....but the area I had to cross was a really creepy one. There was almost no one out except me. It's that kind of a dangerous area, where you can scream if something happens to you, but no one will hear you, where waiting for help is hopeless.
I didn't even realise it at first, but I wasn't scared at all. Probably it's just because I'm used with this kind of things.

And then...you know me, while walking, all kinds of strange things cross my mind. I thought abut my name, my nickname to be more clear. It's Satmaya, wich is nothing but a fancy form for Maya. And probably you know it, Maya means illusion. So I made something like an analogy:

I'm Satmaya, wich is the same with Maya, and maya means illusion, so all these being said, I'm something like an illusion. But let's think about it, what illusions mean. An illusion is something unreal, something you think you see but it's not actually there. Something you can't touch. So, again, using the same reasoning you get to the conclusion I'm untouchable.
If I'm untouchable it means I can't be hurt. You agree with me, right? What you can't touch, you also can't hurt.  So I can't be hurt.

You see, trying to hurt an illusion is like fighting with the wind. There's nothing you can do to it.  Trying to hurt me it's the same.

Ok, I agree, you can harm me, but not hurt. You can do a harm to my exterior, my material body, but you can't get inside, hurt the soul. Many have tried, but none succed.

It's quite the contrary, trying to fight with illusions, to hurt them, the only thing you'll get is hurting yourself. It's like a boomerang, you see,what you give is what you get. It always comes back to you in the end.

And because off all these things I wasn't probably scared at all. Knowing I'm so unbreakable makes me fearless. The illusions I surround myself with are like a shield, you just can't get through them.


© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

Facing demons


The day has come to face my demons. You know  wich ones. My fears. Those so well hidden that no one is able to see them. Except me, because they can't trick me anymore. You thought I'm fearless? No, I ain't. Maybe I seem to be, maybe I've got the control over most of them, but not all.


Why now? I don't know, do I really need a   reason for that? It's just because I want so, because I feel ready. for doing it, strong enough not only to hold on, but also to defeat them.

Maybe....there are times when you can run, you can hide, times when it doesn't matter what you lose. But it comes a day when fighting is the only option you have. And that day has come for me.

I don't wanna do this time what I used to, I don't wanna sabotage myself anymore and put  walls between me and my happiness. Do you know what I was afraid of? I was afraid that being more then I already am, achieving more then I already own, will make me superficial, addicted, one of the sheeps following the flock, mean, selfish, a  sinner. But mostly I was afraid of vanity.

But I don't wanna let my demons take decisions in my place, won't let my fears interfere and make me lose or give up on the things I need, want. I definately don't wanna lose what I haave now, what I'm about to get. The things I had in the past were meaningless, so it's better I  didn't stick to them. What I have now it's the first thing I'm willing to fight to get it and to keep it, because I'm aware how much it matters to me, how much I need it.

So, that's the first and main reason why I must take the control and overcome my fears.

The second reason: the people around me. You see,  a few months ago I was angry because people overestimated me. I felt as if they were forcing me to rise to their expectations. But now I see it's a good thing, it's motivational, encouraging. It means nothing but the fact that they trust me, believe in my potential, And that's something  I should be thankful for. Not everyone is surrounded by people like these.So I have to fight to prove them they were right about me, to deserve the trust they put in me.

More then that, lately I've noticed how many people take me as an example, a model worthy enough to follow, so I have the obligation to be stronger, wiser, better in every way. Why? Because when  you're a model  for others, the better you are, the better they will be. So I kind of have the responsability for what others will become.

Many are the reasons why I must conquer my demons.  But not the reasons matter, what matters most is that now it's the right time to do it.  And I'm so willing and so able to do it  right this time, to fight untill I win, until I get the full control over my thoughts, feelings, actions.

How will I do it? I don't really know.
Sometimes you just have to start the journey and the right path reveals to you by itself.
Will you walk with me?




© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved, times

Helping you helps me

If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your own path.
That's a real thing. I truly deeply belive it.

Many people say : "What's the point of being a good person. They won't appreciate me. They won't give me anything in retun, not even a thank you".
Many people are good, help somebody, behave nice, only when they can get something in return. Sorry, but  this has nothing to do with being a good person.

I always  liked to help others,(no matter if they deserved it or not). I tried to be good even when they were mean. And I never understood why no one appreciated me, why God never paid me back for the good I've done.

I tried to be bad because I saw bad people are happier, they alway get what they want. But I couldn't be like that. I saw many people from bad turning into good when they realised their attitude was wrong, but also good ones becoming bad because of the pain others caused them. Well....according to this, I should've become a really really bad person. But I'm not. Or at least I try not to be. I never hurt others on purpouse. I never revenge on those who harmed me, not even hold grudge on people.

But if I couldn't be bad not even when I tried to...I guess/hope that naturally I am indeed a good one.

I made of this (being good) something like a goal in my life, a principle of living. So I tried to be as good as I can, and I try doing harmm as less as I can. I gave on on waiting a reward each time I do a good thing. I don't wait for people to appreciate me for the things I do. I mean, I do them unconditional, I would like to be appreciated but if I'm not, that's just the way it is. Maybe I'll keep doing it if it's necessary, maybe I'll stop, but I don't do them anymore thinking about the benefits. Now I do it naturally. Actually , it's funny because I always offer to do thing I don't really wanna do and ask myself why did I said that in the first place? Probably being good has become for me something like an impulse that I can no longer control.


Anyway...what I was trying to say is that: a few years ago I realised something, when you're doing something good, that's not useless. It actually helps you in one way or another. It's just that most of the people don't realise it because they don't pay attention to details, to other things then material ones. And your "reward"  usually comes later.

For example: In highschool, I offered to help one of my colleagues. You will think it's funny and I'm a fool for what I did, but I ...I've read a book in his place and made a short review of it that he only had to learn and then present it to the proffesor. Some laughed when they found out what I did, saying I'm rather naive, stupid for that, but I didn't care. And guess what? A few weeks later I had to do an essay about a writer's work. And guess again? I wrote it inspired by the book I've read for that colleague. I wrote a great essay and it was always thanks to him. Or should I say that help I gave him, helped me wrote something great.

And this is just one of the many times when helping someone was helpful for me.

I'm writing now about this because yesterday I realised something. I realised how much I've changed myself  while I was trying to change someone else. I know that lately I've been different, so changed that everyone around me noticed and  congratulate me for the changes I've made. What I didn't realised until now is that a significant part of this change I owe it  to someone, to the one I was supposed to change.

So... S. , this is something like a thank you message for you. So thak you.
For what?you might ask me. For what you did for me, probably involuntary. But you made me ....maybe    50% more confident, aware of everything I am. You made me less scared. Seeing you I realised we fear so many times for things we have no reason to actually worry about. We fear people see only the apparences and don't have the patience to search for our potential, for inner qualities. But if we were able to do it, that means it's not impossible. Because of you I found out I'm not as superficial as people think/say I am and made me too belive I am..Because of you I am more optimistic, more patient, understanding. Because of you I know I am not alone in this world. You proved me once more that all my wishes come true. You're the proof I needed to belive in many things I wasn't quite sure about.

It's really funny seeing how much I've changed because of you when actually I was supposed  to help you.

I  just hope I'll be able and you'll let me help you at least as much as you helped me. I think I just found a great definition for  what we are, what we're supposed to be...or.....anyway...I will tell you this another time.

I thought about ending this post with something cute ( although for you it may be to "gayish" :P )  :


Let me be the star that twinkle in your darkest nights and you'll be the one who keeps my light so bright.




© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved