Of course I was just looking, didn't bought any as much as I wanted. I'm too skimp for that and my budget is too low for my high demands. So, no money left for toys.
But still....every day I went to that shop I also took a shor look at toys. M y eyes were caught by a blue teddy bear.
Sleeping alone, nights felt so lonely...and I wass always feeling the need to be hugged or hug someone. A teddy bear would've been great even if it's not the same thing with a real human. But I had none here. When I went home I thought about taking one from there. But it felt ackward the idea of sleeping with a teddy bear from an ex boyfriend. But what was I supposed to do, ask for a new one from my boyfriend?No way, no mattter how much I want something I would never dare asking something from him. Silly, right? At least, that's what people say about me, because I deserve things but never ask for them. But hey, that's me. I never ask for things, I feel bad even when I have to ask something from my parents, I refuse even when my brother wants to buy me something. I don't know why...maybe...because I always give to much, I take to little.
Anyway...days passed by and my thoughts were always running to that teddy bear. Yeah, I know I'm sooo childish for my age(20), Is that a bad thing? Mondey it was Saint Nicholas Day. I hoped my mom will send me money to buy it, because I told her how much I wanted it. But no, I was so sad and disappointed. I was sure that somehow I'll get my blue teddy bear on Mondey, but I was wrong.
So I thought about it alot, about me being unhappy because I've got no teddy bear, because actually noo one made me any present that day. Funny thing, for the first time I think I belived in Saint Nicholas. I mean, in thee morning I woke up and first thing I did was looking in my boots. But they were empty. It was clear that there was no one to buy me something and put it in my shoes. So what was I expecting? Miracles? Maybe I did....
I asked myself why am I sad. I realised I had expectations from others. I thought I deserve things so I will get them. I thought just because some people love me, they will think about me, try to make me happy by offering my a small gift on that day. But no, they all acted as if it was a day like any other.
So the problem were my expectations. I had needs and expected others to take care of them. Yes, they should have done it. But...you see, if I keep doing this I'll make my life really sad, because people don't pay attention to other's needs so they won't be able to respond to them.
So...I told myself something like: From now on, when I want, need something I will do my best to get it. No maatter what that thing is(a boook, a toy, a ring, a flower, attention, affection, compliments, admiration, appreciation, fun, happiness, love, money, ). This way my happiness is in my own hands, my mood depends on me, my satisfaction depend on how able am I to respond to my needs. When it comes about me needs I'm on my own, becausee now I know that no one else will ever take care of them. And besides that, with this attitude I won't be hurt by people, not expecting them to take care of my neds, I won't be disappointed when they don't.
And that's why today, with all the money I had left I went out and bought that blue teddy bear. And that made me happy because I was able to satisfy my need on my own. Those who saw my bear asked from whom did I get it, and I told them :" From myself, that's the gift I'm offering to myself. I wanted it, needed it, so instead of waiting for someone to realise that and buy it for me, I did it."
So my blue teddy bear is not just a toy, my sleep mate. It's more then that, It became a symbol for taking care myself of my need, of not letting my happiness on someone else's hands. Even more then that, my bear is my motivation, Seeing it I will remember to stop having expectations from people, to start beng able to get on my on all the things I want.
P.S.: I like it so much that I keep it by my side even now while I'm writing.
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