If you’re the one who's pushing away people the second they get too close you should know:
If you did it and you admit it…..
It's very important that you've noticed this pattern in yourself- that's the first step to improving your interpersonal relationships and understanding why you do the things you do.
Firstly you should know that what you’re doing it’s called a defence mechanism.You are afraid of getting hurt so you’re building a fence around you which will reject others.
The next step ist to find out why is it so hard for you to fully trusting people, and what specific experiences you've been through that led you to develop this defense mechanism. You probably had no idea that it would have such a lasting effect on the way you view friendships and commitment.
One of the reasons why this defence mechanism may have been borne is a lack of self-esteem. A shaky self-image. Maybe, deep down, you have this small, weird, nagging fear that you're not good enough to be somebody's close friend. Maybe you feel like you're just not worth someone's emotional investment and time: you unconsciously determine that the safe thing to do is to cut off friendships before there is an opportunity to confirm your fears.
But the reason why you have a lack of self-esteem now may be in your past.You may have been badly hurt in the past(maybe several times) and that made you think you’ll never be good enough for someome, people will never accept you the way you are. But in the end….
This is really a matter of self acceptance. If you accept yourself for what you are and allow people to relate to you, then they will not feel as if they are being pushed away. It's perception and the perception starts from within you because that is what you want to do. People don't necessarily want to push people away but what they do want to do is hide themselves.
Another reason can be early childhood trauma. Many young children learn that it's safer to be self-sufficient, that as soon as you love someone they let you down, that if you rely on someone you give them the power to hurt you.. children think in absolutes. During the many unpleasant times in your childhood, you learned to keep an emotional distance between yourself and every other person. .That’s fear of rejection,you think” if I push you away first then you cannot hurt me”
This behavior is usually found in persons with borderline personality disorder. These persons have an enormous and disabling fear of abandonment usually stemming from childhood (mostly) emotional and physical abandonment and /or negation by their parents or caregivers.This all might sound kind of strange, like "oh, you can’t make a relationship work because your dad/mum fucked you up -never loved you enough as a kid", but the reality is, people learn from their experiences and respond to them accordingly- something in you wants to protect from being hurt, which probably means somebody hurt you.
But the reasons why you push people away from you are many more. Sometimes there are things that you go through that you don't want that other person to be involved because those things are too personal for you and you don’t want anyone to know them(maybe you’re ashamed of those things). So in order to keep those things a secret, you don’t allow anyone to get closer.
It could be there is an unresolved emotional issue that resurfaces when people get close to you. They show you something about yourself that is not resolved, and until it is , there can be the tendency to push away people that remind you of whatever it is. And even if you may not think (subconsciously or not) that they would reject you, you may feel that there are parts of you that you would rather not share with someone whose respect you value.
Something like: some people see you as a smart, pretty, and strong person. But sometimes things are not working too good for you so maybe you don’t look so pretty anymore(might be a weight gain, or maybe you’re sick in some way and that makes you look less pretty then usually), maybe you failed at work/school and that makes you”smart” image disappear,maybe you’re affected be everything, you cry all the time, you’re depressed and you don’t want them to know that vulnerable side of you.You used to be smart, pretty and strong.Now you think you’re ugly, dumb and weak(in your opinion).And you belive that those people, seeing you this way, won’t want you anymore.So you push them away before they can push you for not being what you used to be.
Sometimes you do it because when you push and they come back, it makes you feel more secure.
Or maybe you love someone so much that you are scared of them leaving you, so pushing them away first is a form of protection.
Sometimes it’s all just a test.But that doesn’t makes you mean.It’s not something you do because you want to.You push them away (unconsciously) to see if they care enough about you to come back.
Maybe you feel that in the past you trusted too freely and now you want people to "earn" your trust.By pushing them away it kind of weeds the ones out that are not willing to take the time to do this,which to me is a sign that they are not really going to be there for you in hard times anyways.
But maybe you push away someone who has hurt you in the past(maybe he doesn’t know he did it, maybe not even you realize it) and no you don’t trust him anymore.You want him to prove you you can trust him again.And the only way he can do it, is if he’s still there for you no matter how many times you reject him, he still waits for the day when you’ll be able to trust him again.He doesn’t give up on you.(Too bad most of the guys give up so easy when the girl they love rejects them….)
Or you're hurting and its one of those self loathing things....why do people do this? I really don't know, but we do. Kinda like pushing a bruise to see if it still hurts. Allowing people to get close would mean getting over the pain.
If you’re the rejected one you should know this :
(I might be reapeating myself, but this is important or you to know)
She’s pushing you away because:
She wants to know if you can love her shadow side. She is mean to you. She does not answer your calls. She is late for your dates. She tells you the relationship isn't working. She does things she knows will annoy you. She doesn't really want you to go. She wants you to say, "I am not going to let you push me away". She wants a man that loves her enough to put up with her ridiculousness .She wants to know that you will sit and wait for her to return. She wants to know that you will let her go. She wants to know that you don't "need" her, that you aren't trying to "trap" her. She wants to know that you don't want to control or change her, but that you love her enough to give her freedom.
She feels unworthy of you. She has dated guys before that seemed to like her and then they got to know the "real" her and they decided they didn't like her. She seems confident. She will even tell you she is confident, but she isn't. She thinks that guys love the "fake" her, but no one understands the "real" her. Once you see this "real" her, you won't want to talk to her anymore. She wants you to be patient. She wants you to make her feel safe. She wants you to find the real her and love her anyway.
If you feel a push/pull, if it seems like she really loves you and doesn't want to push you away, realize that there is probably one of these issues (or several) in motion.Sometimes the more she tries to push you away the more she actually loves you(but her feelings for you are so intense that it scares her)
I am trying to tell you that when you see these problems occuring, you should know IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you. It is about her. And once she heals herself, these problems with disappear on their own. The only thing you can do is to wait for her if you love her enough.Make sure she know you’ll be there for her.Earn her trust.
The worst thing you can do when you deal with a girl like that is to ask her:” when are you going to be ok?”.I mean, seriously?How stupid can you be to ask such a dumb question?Like it’s not enough the things she’s dealing with, you come and drop this question making her feel guily for her problems(problems that maybe you or another asshole made her go through).Anyone who deals with this issues want to heal but it takes time, it takes support….
I wrote about this subject on purpouse.Because many people deal with this problem.And 80% of them don’t even no it.I wrote it for the pushers because I wanted them to know why are they doing this.But I also wrote for those who are pushed away so they know why, so they know that those who push them away might actually really love them. But I wrote especially because I’m one of them.I’m one of the girls that push away the loved ones.Why is that in my case?I do it for many of the reasons I wrote here.
I do it because I felt rejected by my parents(even if now I know they never meant to),because I missed my mom a lot when I was a child and she was away, and it made me belive that the people I love will always be apart from me, that I must be so bad I don’t deserve them to love me, that I will never be good enough so no one can ever love me….
I do it because the first guy I loved pushed me away, he built a wall beetwen me and him so he made me belive that no matter what I do, no matter how good I am, It will never be enough for him to love me
I do it because some people made me have a very low self-esteem
I do it because I’m scared I do it because I love them so much, I can’t let them see me when I’m down.I want the to get only the best of me.I want to be perfect for them, so that they can be proud with me.I don’t want them to be ashamed of having a messed up girl like me around.
I wish all the people I reject know this and understand what I really feel…
You think it’s hard for you that I reject you.But you don’t know how hard it is for me to reject you, to leave you when I actually love you, do be apart from you when I miss you so much.Sometimes I hold the phone in my hand and cry so badly when the loved ones call and I’m not able to answer them as much as I want to.
But when someone hasn’t been through what I’ve been there’s no way he can understand how I fell.That’s why I push you away…..
So….don’t forget that : If we push you away….it’s not because we don’t want you…It’s because we actually love you a lot, but don’t want you to see the dark side of us.Eveytime we tell you to leave, we actually want you to stay, we want you to say that everything will be allright, that you’ll wait for us, that you love us no matter what.But trust me it’s hard to be with someone who keeps rejecting you, and it worths only if you really love her.
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