What matters most

26 January.Three weeks ago. My birthyday.
It used to be a big deal a few years ago. A birthday party was a must. A few best friends were always there for me. My relatives too. Many presents. I liked my birthday. It mattered alot for me. I always felt important that day. My birthday was something i always waited forward to....something I planned a few moths before it happend.
Until one day. One day that made me hate my birthday. That made my depressed every years when my birthday was near. One day, one birthday that made me hate all  my birthdays.
So the last 5 birthdays were awful, I was always sad, crying, never content.
I was so so scared that this birthday would be the same, even if this time I had my boyfriend by my side wich was a huge difference.
This time I had no birthday party, no fun with the girls in a club. No special guests, just me and my boyfriend. Not even my family. No presents from many people like I used to. This time my birthday was just like any other day. Nothing special. Just woke up in the morning, made him coffe, cleaning a little, reading, watching movies and that's all.
Normally I should've been really, really dissapointed. Surprisingly, I wasn't at all. Why? Because I did'n care about none of the things that I used to. Party? I can do it anytime. Gifts? It doesn't have to be my birthday to get presents. So, what else?
I mean., why do people actually celebrate their birthday? Is passing time something that worths celebrating? Something you're happy about? Probably you'd say yes, it worths celebrating, beeing happy about the fact that you lived one more year or something like that.
Well...i'm not celebrating time's passing because for me time has no meaning. I don't care for how long I'll live, I only care about how will I live. It matters the quality of my life, not the quantity.
But...you know what matters this time on my birthday? That for the first time I was in peace, relaxed, content. Because I knew this time I'm on the right path. This time I've got all the means to make all my dreams come true.
And like I sad, normally I'd be upset that my family hasn't given me any gift likwe they used to and I was tempted to say that they don't care about me. But you know...so what? In exchange, I've got the best present from someone else.  Actually the two best present. Myu boyfriend's presence and the promise I made myself.
I made a promise that I'm going to love myself as much as I love others, respect myself, invest time and effort in myself and stop blaming me for every mistake. And especially, stop punishing myself, because that's something that only God has the right to do, he's the only one in power to judge us, not others, not ourselves. I should also stop thinking I don't deserve happiness and forgiveness.

That's what I think our birthdays should be for.
Not partys, gifts, food, drinks.
It's should be a break. Birtday break. We should take time to think. To analyze. To put things in balance. To put in order our life.To make peace with ourselves. To think about our dreams.
Our birthday is the day when firstly we should be the one to pay attention to our need. We should make ourselves happy instead of waiting for somebody else to do it.
Your birthday should be about you, between you and yourself. That's why it is called your birthday, not ours. It is all about you inner self.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

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