Just a shadow....craving for a piece of life

Nothing left but ruins....that's how I feel....maybe not even ruins ...
But...am I allowed to complain about that?No...I guess I ain't.I mean,if I remember well, that's exactly what I asked for for.You see, that's why I keep saying "be careful what you wish for because you might get it". Ok, you'll say:"Wtf, girl, are you crazy or what?You realy asked for that?To be in ruins?" Well...yes, I did.I know it sounds strange for you but I've got my reasons.
"Why, why, why?" you'll keep asking me.
Ok.Let me explain.You know I always do things in my own way.That's what I'm doing this time as well.I know it will all sound like mumbo-jumbo for you, but I trust my theories and that's why I try to apply them.Yeah, I know, it sounds more then crazy, it's like I'm a crazy scientist doing experiments on himself.
So here it is, my new theory:

It's about change.I compare changing yourself with building a house.:
It's like building a new house on the ruins of another.You can't  do that.Your construction won't be solid enough.It would brake into pieces the first time you'll be shaked by an event.Besides that, if you build something new over something old, you won't really have a 100% new thing.It would be a mixed up thing.It would be a new shape hiding an old essence.I don't think you want that.And the worst of all, if you build on ruins, your new "home" will always be haunted by ghosts of the past.You know what I mean?

That's why, when you really wanna change everything, if you really want a new "you", you gotta start from scratch.You must destroy every sign of the old you.You must burn every piece of you past.You must give up on everything.You must let it fall, every single mask you put on your face during your entire life.
Only when there's nothing left of you, only when you own nothing, when you become a ghost only then you can start building.
Sounds hard?
It is.But I kind of made it.Of course the price...is not easy to pay.
When you managed to do that, to burn the past you'll be happy, you'll feel free as a bird.And from that, you only need to chose what you wanna build further.
That's what I thought...I was sure the hard part was already gone and from now on it will be easy as a game,I though I would only need to decide how I wanna be.

But life is tricky.Something unexpected happened.
The problem appears because when you have nothing you get used with that.You feel free like you've never been before.You can say what you want, do what you want, be  whoever you wanna be.There are no rules anymore.Because there's nothing and no one to care about anymore.Wheen you have nothing there's nothing you can loose.And you kind of find comfort in that.You start to enjoy that kind of life.And the thing is that you do it involuntary.You don't realize it.You will find yourself unable to build anything and you will ask why the hell is this happening to me?You won't see what's wrong.

You see, this is actually the hard part.Building something when you can easily live like that,without anything.Like a ghost.Without having any clue, that's what you become, a ghostNo needs, no dreams,nothing at all.It feels easy to live like that, because you don't need to make any effort.But it's not ok to live like that.You'll be nothing but a piece of meat.Without a will,without emotions, feelings,without any reasons to live, no purpouse at all.As I said before, you will like this kind of life, you will feel like time is not affecting you anymore.But you're wrong...I mean yes, time is not affecting you because you don't really exist.You've stopped living in the past because you burnt it, you're also not living in the future because you have no reason to live but neither you have a present because you've lost your will.You're just a shadow.Just because you breathe, and you're heart is beating, it doesn't mean you're alive.Life is not defined by that.Life is made by moments, by feelings, by people.And you have none of that.You're just a living dead...

These being said, it's not that my theory was wrong.No, there's no proof for that.It's just that...life is full of unexpected things, consequences ...
Most of the people can't change,never want, never will.
Very few manage to change some things about them.And that, not without a lot of hardwork.
But to change completly, to burn the old you and build a new one...that's...99% impossible.
And still I'm full of hope.Still I try.Still I fight.What's life if not a war with yourself, a battle for changing.

Yes I do feel like a ghost.Yes I am, just an empty vessel.I do find it hard to build something.I do enjoy this freedom.I do fear of everything and everyone.I do fear life more then death.
But no I don't give up.I still belive in me, still belive I'm strong and wise enough to make it right one day.Is it tomorrow, next month, next year?I have no idea.But that day will come.Because the price I pay, the sacrifices, the life and people I gave up on...the price is so huge that I'm not allowed to fail, to give up.
They say I must accept my life the way it is.They say I must accept my flaws.I can't do that, I don't want that, I won't accept something I know is not right, something I know I can change.So I ain't gonna accept,i will keep trying to change .If I do what they say, accept the life I have, the way I am, that for me would mean I've stoped fighting.

Only when death comes I will stop fighting.Maybe not even then.

© 2009-2010 (satmaya) All Rights Reserved

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