Helping you helps me

If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your own path.
That's a real thing. I truly deeply belive it.

Many people say : "What's the point of being a good person. They won't appreciate me. They won't give me anything in retun, not even a thank you".
Many people are good, help somebody, behave nice, only when they can get something in return. Sorry, but  this has nothing to do with being a good person.

I always  liked to help others,(no matter if they deserved it or not). I tried to be good even when they were mean. And I never understood why no one appreciated me, why God never paid me back for the good I've done.

I tried to be bad because I saw bad people are happier, they alway get what they want. But I couldn't be like that. I saw many people from bad turning into good when they realised their attitude was wrong, but also good ones becoming bad because of the pain others caused them. Well....according to this, I should've become a really really bad person. But I'm not. Or at least I try not to be. I never hurt others on purpouse. I never revenge on those who harmed me, not even hold grudge on people.

But if I couldn't be bad not even when I tried to...I guess/hope that naturally I am indeed a good one.

I made of this (being good) something like a goal in my life, a principle of living. So I tried to be as good as I can, and I try doing harmm as less as I can. I gave on on waiting a reward each time I do a good thing. I don't wait for people to appreciate me for the things I do. I mean, I do them unconditional, I would like to be appreciated but if I'm not, that's just the way it is. Maybe I'll keep doing it if it's necessary, maybe I'll stop, but I don't do them anymore thinking about the benefits. Now I do it naturally. Actually , it's funny because I always offer to do thing I don't really wanna do and ask myself why did I said that in the first place? Probably being good has become for me something like an impulse that I can no longer control.

Anyway...what I was trying to say is that: a few years ago I realised something, when you're doing something good, that's not useless. It actually helps you in one way or another. It's just that most of the people don't realise it because they don't pay attention to details, to other things then material ones. And your "reward"  usually comes later.

For example: In highschool, I offered to help one of my colleagues. You will think it's funny and I'm a fool for what I did, but I ...I've read a book in his place and made a short review of it that he only had to learn and then present it to the proffesor. Some laughed when they found out what I did, saying I'm rather naive, stupid for that, but I didn't care. And guess what? A few weeks later I had to do an essay about a writer's work. And guess again? I wrote it inspired by the book I've read for that colleague. I wrote a great essay and it was always thanks to him. Or should I say that help I gave him, helped me wrote something great.

And this is just one of the many times when helping someone was helpful for me.

I'm writing now about this because yesterday I realised something. I realised how much I've changed myself  while I was trying to change someone else. I know that lately I've been different, so changed that everyone around me noticed and  congratulate me for the changes I've made. What I didn't realised until now is that a significant part of this change I owe it  to someone, to the one I was supposed to change.

So... S. , this is something like a thank you message for you. So thak you.
For what?you might ask me. For what you did for me, probably involuntary. But you made me ....maybe    50% more confident, aware of everything I am. You made me less scared. Seeing you I realised we fear so many times for things we have no reason to actually worry about. We fear people see only the apparences and don't have the patience to search for our potential, for inner qualities. But if we were able to do it, that means it's not impossible. Because of you I found out I'm not as superficial as people think/say I am and made me too belive I am..Because of you I am more optimistic, more patient, understanding. Because of you I know I am not alone in this world. You proved me once more that all my wishes come true. You're the proof I needed to belive in many things I wasn't quite sure about.

It's really funny seeing how much I've changed because of you when actually I was supposed  to help you.

I  just hope I'll be able and you'll let me help you at least as much as you helped me. I think I just found a great definition for  what we are, what we're supposed to be...or.....anyway...I will tell you this another time.

I thought about ending this post with something cute ( although for you it may be to "gayish" :P )  :

Let me be the star that twinkle in your darkest nights and you'll be the one who keeps my light so bright.

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