You know...people always saw me as the strong one, the one who's able to do anything.That should've made me happy, right? But no...I never was...I felt like a robot...like I wasn't allowed to fail, like i was forced to be perfect....But hey,I'm only human... People having so many expectationes from me, actually harmed me,inside.Because it made me create another side of me, a fake one,and no matter how broken i was i had to not let them see it...
But no more .... I found the strenght to face the hidden side of me and let it out.We have only one life,a short one, why wasting it living a lie? Since I've made peace with myself,since I accepted that no one is perfect so there is no way I could be, I keep discovering new things about myself,day by day..
For example,today.I realised I'm scared,I'm scared when it comes about love,I've got my own insecurities wich makes me fear.. I know I shouldn't be but I am scared.I'm scared of being rejected.I've been once and it still hurts so badly,even now after almost 5 years, like the scars of rejection are still fresh on my heart...
It's funny...because most of the people see me as a great girl, one that any guy should be lucky to have as a girlfriend...but still....I'm scared that no matter how good I am I will never be good enough.I'm scared that as soon as I will make a mistake those that I love will push me away.
And I'm scared because I'm impulsive and I always rush things...I'm always more onest then I should.I can't keep things inside me, i always share what I feel, what I think and that's not such a good thing because sometimes people get scared when I do that.
I'm scared because even if I'm lucky to find a good guy I push him aways because I'm scared that he might do it as soon as he finds out I'm not what he thought I was.
That's why I don't wanna do it anymore.
I don't want anyting fake about me,I don't wanna sell illusions.
I want the guy who will have me as his girlfriend to have a real thing, the real me.
I want him to trust me,to rely on me that I will always be onest.I want him to know me the way I realy am.And if I got flaws I don't want him so say something like :"No, honey, you're not like that...You look perfect, you are perfect, I love you the way you are".I don't belive in these things, I don't want him to accept my flaws, I want him to help me change them, because in my opinion that will make the relationship even stronger.
So(This is for my next boyfriend, for whoever wants to be my friend/boyfriend) ...don't like me the way I am, tell me what's wrong about me, tell me what you don't like about me, or just tell me what should I change in order for me to look better, to behave better, what should I change to make our relationship work better, what should I change to make you happy.
Because I do wanna make you happy, that's why I choose you, for both of us to be happy.
And I do wanna change.I do wanna be better,For me,for you, for us.I'm not like other girls.I won't say "If you like me take me as I am, if you don't like me the way I am,then go fuck yourself" So remember that...
Like I said I'm scared....if this is one of the things you don't like about be then help me cope with my fears, help me to understand that I have no reason to be scared. You probably don't understand why am I actually scared.It's because i jump to soon in relationships...because when I like a guy It's hard for me to take things slowly and that ruins everything.
You know good things are hard to find...so I don't wanna ruin it..That's why from now on I wanna take things slowly( as slowly as i will be able to,even if it's so hard to wait to get something when you want it right now),I wanna take the time I need to be ready for it...I wanna make sure that we do things in the right way...I wanna make sure that we know each other very well before we jump to the next stage, before we jumpt to the real thing..
Don't get me wrong..I mean...if you read this you might freak out and think I want something more seriously then what you want.I'm not saying I do,I'm not saying I don't.I'm saying just in case you want ...a real thing...
I'm just saying that ...when someone likes me...and wants to date me or something like that , he should read this and understand that...I like him to(probably...I mean...I won't like every guy who likes me, but if I like him,probably he already knows it when reading this) but I'm scared, and that's why i begg him not to put to too much pressure on me(like other guys did,when they kept calling me 100 times, or asked me everyday when are we going to meet).Trust me, whe the right time comes it will happen. Of course, that will happen only if you think it worths waiting for me
So..that's what I had on my mind and I've said it.No matter what, at least I feel better already for being 100% onest, and being brave enough to admit that I ain't perfect.
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